All in a day's work

I have FINALLY found work. Two part time jobs. An income is an income most times, and I'm thankful for it. I'm not at McDonalds or any other fast food joint, so I'm happy about that too! (although I didn't find myself above that). Today we went and visited Ezzah's daycare. The one teacher that was there as late as we were was very nice and LOVED seeing Ezzah (who charmed her the whole time). The children in there are adorable! I'll admit, I'm a little nervous. As much as I pretend I'm not, there's a sneak of anxiety running through my stomach. I don't really fear she's going to end up screwed up or anything-I don't really know what it is actually. I guess it's part of the whole new motherhood thing. I try to keep myself above what I see a lot of new mother's go through-not that I think they are stupid-but I guess I feel I shouldn't be as nervous since I'm older and have had more experience around so many children. There is definately a difference when it's your own though isn't there? Maybe I worry about how she'll be treated, I'm not going to deny it's difficult caring for more than one child at a time, and sometimes children have worse days than other. I don't know how Ezzah will respond to being in a completely different environment, and if she doesn't react well-it's understandable they won't be able to spend the time with her that I have been. Perhaps this just means I'm normal. I don't feel my daughter requires or deserves anything better than any other child-AT ALL, and perhaps if she was older and a little more independent I wouldn't worry so much...she could occupy herself and such. At this point, she has whomever is caring for her to interact with.....I realize I sound like a freak-and I'm trying not to because I really don't think I'm freaking out. I'm simply having some anxiety and trying to figure it out. She's a good baby, and I believe there's a lot of good that can come of her being around other children...definitely. I guess I just hope she adjusts positively, and quickly!


I am glad for the work, and I'm glad to have found what seems like a good daycare. And I'm also glad to have found Ezzah a good Ped. The stress from mother-hood SUUUUCCCKKKSS though :)

www.apostlepaul.blogspot.com

If "Christianity" were taking off today, I don't believe we'd be reading the letters from Paul to the Ephesians. We'd be reading his daily blog as he traveled from country to country. While he was in prison his lawyers would be doing press conferences as to his daily status, and he'd be making collect phone calls to Barbara Walters to make sure that everyone knew what he was going through. It would be televised daily on Court TV as to what was happening to him. I don't believe this to be true only if he was in the U.S.,I've read some interesting blogs from people in Pakistan and Saudi Arabia.

This is what my behavior is based on. As Christians, a major part of our behavioral mindset is based on letters from one guy (Paul,Timothy, etc.) to a bunch of people. Letters to the editor have more audiences than these people's did, until the were published into what is now known as The New Testament. I'm not bashing my faith by any means. Matter of fact, it's not my faith I'm refering to specifically, rather the way in which we act out our faith. I can imagine how different preaching would be if the only thing "christians" had were the gospels and the "Old Testament". Most Christians don't even have an understanding what purpose the Old Testament serves.

So many times the Bible has been translated, yet while we've updated the language, we've not updated the leaders of faith. I'm not applying to do this job, just making an observation. If someone decided that we were going to replace the books following the gospels with more current teachings, I wonder who would make the list. First, we have a whole world now to enter the race. Second, I wonder what teachings would be obsolete Are there any Christians of any culture who would still tell women to keep their mouth's shut and ask their husbands any questions they had when they got home. Assuming of course it is only married women who go to church! Third, who would be accepted. While I mentioned the whole world could enter the race.....are there any mainstream teachers from across the globe respected in the U.S. We know it would be the U.S. that would spearhead this thing if it were to be respected! And HE would be a republican! We do have priorities.

If I look at my faith, I realize the only facts I would be willing to argue in some sort of court of law would be Jesus' 'Messiah-ship', and the story of His life and being in the gospels. I don't know that I find a lot of other things FACTS so much as advice for the current times of the spread of Christianity.


Jews, Christians, and Muslims all stake their lives on the same thing....faith. I have three keys on my key ring. One goes to my mother's car....it's a Chrysler, and the key has the Chrysler symbol...so there's no arguing what make of car it belongs to. The other two are copied house keys. They look very similar in shape. One opens the door to my mother's house, the other to my grandparents house. Only because I have used them enough do I know which goes where...but if you ask which goes where you would believe me assuming I know what I'm talking about. It's not until you were to actually open one of the doors would you personally know. I believe my faith is not like the car key, but like the house key. Thousands of years after the creation of the earth, thousands of years after the man we know as Jesus walked the earth, I'm sure I'm going to find out some things were not quite the way I've read them, but I will find out which key I hold. Metaphor aside, I live by faith.

A friend of mine said once, had she been born and raised in a different country she probably would not have grown up Christian...rather, perhaps a Muslim, or a Hindu. Everyone lives by faith, and at some point it becomes their own. Theirs to experience and share.

Playtime at Ezzah's new daycare

Confessions of a music lover

I was reminded recently what my intention for going to college was...I wanted to work in the record industry. No, seriously. I wanted to be the next great music guru in Christian music. No, I'm friggin serious. That got me thinking about how out of it I am on the music scene, unless it comes from India or Pakistan I just don't know what I used to. I was once someone who knew at least 80.775% of what was on the radio (my Friends would hit seek, and I knew pretty much everything). Now, well, I'm still living by my old standbys. Here are a few things to admit (or brag about).

Concerts I am ashamed I saw, but hey, they were popular:
Rick Astley, Boys 2 Men, McHammer, Color Me Bad

Concerts that I still relish:
PFR (more than once), U2 (at Wimbley Stadium, UK), Jal, DC Talk, Out of Eden, Clint Black, Beach Boys (hey, they were fun!)

One of the moments I'll never forget at a concert: (okay, two)
I took second place in a gargling contest before one of the concerts
Salmund Rushdie came out on stage at the U2 show

My radio weakness:
I can put scan on and listen to it for HOURS without getting annoyed. I've done this while driving cross country, it's fun.

Fav Christian cd's/bands (to name a few only):
Audio Adrenaline's "Bloom"/DC Talk "Jesus Freak and "Supernatural"/Grits/The Waiting/Chris Rice/POD/Raving Loonatics/Steve Taylor/Cindy Morgan/Nicole Nordamen/Rich Mullins/Lil Raskull

Fav non-Christian (a few):
Jal/Ali Zafar/Strings/DMB/James Taylor/Fleetwood Mac/Queen/Run DMC/Cranberries/Natalie Merchant/Dixie Chicks (before they got ousted)/Indian Film Songs/Almost all the "Afro-Celt Soundsytems" cd's


Okay...I'll admit.....I totally rocked out to Spice girls the other day!
zig a zig aaahhhh

Here's perhaps one of THE BEST re-makes of a song I've ever heard. I'm not a fan of them generally, but perhaps it's the magic that I think U2 is, or the blend of Ireland and the ghetto, but whatever...I love it!

Obviously I've learned to post video!

One of my favorite memories of Lahore is Basant. Lahore is so well-known for being "THE" place to be that the President spends Basant down there. Some of these pics are better than others, but it's a great job done by whomever did this. Also, the song is by a band called "Strings" and they are a favorite of mine. Lastly, a couple of my own photos, including our "action shot" looking out at the kites :)

An unknown music genius

Steven Taylor is perhaps one of the BEST lyricist in Christian music OF ALL TIME! He doesn't do much now in the forefront, but if you're a fan of anyone on Squint Entertainment...that's his label (or was). I could post every video of his, but I'll leave it to just this one (so far), because aside from the awesomeness of this song, the video is just wild! I know it's long, but it's worth the watch.

Blessed are the.....

Due to some recent meltdowns (however mellow), I have spent some time trying to get my head back on straight. I wish I could blame recent feelings on some chemical imbalance, but let's be real.....I am human and therefore I have an inherent sense of entitlement. What crap. I spend so much time noticing saw dust in others and ignore the fact I have a plank the size of New Jersey coming out of my own. I have taken stock of my life, and have determined it's unreal how incredibly blessed I am and have therefore began to repent for my stupidity. Below are rantings of the reality of my life (not in specific order):

1. I have a wonderful husband whom I am crazy about. There are many many women married and many many divorced from men who are complete jerks.....mine is not.

2. A year ago I didn't know if I was going to remain married. I had no idea where my life was going, except I was pregnant and pretty sick. Thanks only to God and His work I have been reconciled with my husband and we have an even improved relationship.

3. I am in now way lacking. I have a comfortable home, plenty of food, my daughter has a bed, plenty of food. I don't worry from day to day where I'm going to sleep, or if I'm going to get shot or bitten by someone or something where I live.

4. My daughter is healthy. She is happy. And she's REALLY funny.

5. I have remarkable friends and family whom I wouldn't miss so dearly if they weren't so awesome. My sister, my friends in California....they were a great support when I returned to the States. They were there when Ezzah was born, and even after. I probably WOULD have lost my mind without their support.

6. My mother, all our differences aside, has take monetary responsibility for me for over a year now. It is through her God has taken care of my financial needs.

7. THE MOST IMPORTANT: I have a God who loves me dearly, and a Messiah who died for my sins. They are a multitude and He has cleansed every one. My guidance, my foundation, my Truth are in Him. None of the above are true outside of the providence of God and His work.

It is my desire to; daily live within the understanding of all of the above, not allow myself to feel overwhelmed, for I know God will not give me more than I can handle, and be as useful for God's work as those around me have been.

FINALLY!

Jal's new song is absolutely beautiful, I'm so excited they are coming out with a new album. They are one of my favorite bands!!!

Anything but a flaming dr. pepper

As I sit here on my couch, my daughter screams as if she's being beaten all because she doesn't like to go to sleep. I don't know what the story behind it is, perhaps a friend of mine is right, at this age they are more aware of things, but sleep is an unsure occurrence. Whatever it is, I hope for the both of us she gets over it soon. I have become torn on how to deal with it. Many people are for the CIO (cry it out) approach, then there's support that says it's not the best thing. Hell, I don't know what to do, at this point I feel like what does it matter, I'm going to screw her up in one way or another. Honestly speaking, I truly truly wish I was in Pakistan. I realize to many people that would be a ridiculous statement, but the whole reason I didn't stay hasn't come to fruition, so I wonder day after day what the hell I'm doing here. Anywhere. I've gotten to the mindset that I'm not even sure why I ever got married. Not that there wasn't a time that my being here and him being there wasn't due to difficulties.....that period is a blink in the eye of my overall period of time with my husband. Yet, the time I've spent with my husband has been little to none, even before we were married. Every good intention turned into nothing; and here we are 2.5 years after we got engaged, living in separate countries. And for what? Neither one of us are serving our country, healing sick, discovering a cure for world famine, bringing peace and understanding to countries in conflict. Nope, we aren't doing a damn thing! So, there's no good reason for the separation, except we're incredibly stupid. My husband blames himself, sometimes I do too. In reality we are both just...incredibly stupid, and it brings to me again to the inquiry as to what the point of getting married was. I tend to forget how incredible my husband really is, what an amazing friendship we have, how much fun we have, etc. etc....all the reasons I did get married to him. But he's not here. Most times, I feel like he's just like the other distant friends I have. I wonder....maybe I'll see him again...maybe I won't. Then I feel bad for feeling bad. Who am I to whine and be upset? There are a lot worse situations out there. Women whose husband is facing death because he is of a minority religion in his country; men whose wives are serving abroad in the military (hey, it does happen although this country tends to forget); people who wake up everyday surprised there's not a mortar hole through their front room...or worse....they go to bed not sure if they'll wake up. I remember these things and I try to not feel badly about my own situation.
My daughter has finally fallen asleep
And I finish off a beer

I'm sorry, do I look like the friggin' Colonel

July 4th
Piggott, AR
Incredible heat and humidity
Me
Kitchen
Serving Chicken.....oh wait, we've run out
A lot of pissed off southerners

Piggott has it's quite famous picnic every year on the fourth. It's been a tradition in my family for at least 50 years to attend and help out. This year I joined my family in the kitchen where the fried chicken dinner is sold. Two pieces of chicken (your choice of white or dark) and a bunch of fixins. It's really a good dinner, and very southern. It's so popular that at 1030 there is a line of at least 60-70 people waiting for the 11 opening. The line never dwindles until well after 1. My cousin Alex (one of the coolest people on the planet) and I are in the front of the line, I'm doing the chicken and the potatoes/gravy he's doing the corn and the green beans. I must first add, the "chicken nazi" as we nicknamed her, was overly concerned that I would be able to handle doing both the chicken and the potatoes. A concern that about drove her mad. Due to the lack of volunteers she didn't have a choice, however. Alex assured her it would be okay......for 20 min she stared at me, and never fear there were no problems. I didn't put the chicken where the potatoes go, didn't poor the gravy over the chicken.....it all managed to go smoothly. Until.....WE RAN OUT OF FRIGGIN CHICKEN. Really, it was still cooking, but we couldn't keep up, but also they didn't start cooking early enough.(there were two people in the whole town who could turn on the cooker, one was in the hospital, one was laying under the tree.....time to train someone under 80 I think!) Let me tell you, having to announce there was no chicken for about 10-15 min to a crowd of hot and hungry rednecks is perhaps the scariest thing I've ever done (including being a white Christian chick in Pakistan). As they were gathering the rope and getting the hangin' tree ready I decided it wouldn't be a good idea to add I am a yankee and married to a foreigner. People were yelling and griping at me as if I personally have any control over the chicken crisis. I must say, it's good to be back in quiet Mt. Vernon where the only thing I have to worry about is making sure I get to Wal-Mart before they close........oh wait, it's open 24 hours...phew, cause you have to have a place to buy shampoo, a new cd, and a gallon of milk at 2am!

The one.....the only.....

Sara.....my sister. I have been blessed to have become close to a sister whom I didn't even know until I was 15, and didn't see again until 23. While I hadn't spent much time with her until this past year, the amount of time I was around was incredible and, quite frankly, life changing. That may sound a bit extreme, but my relationship with my brother was very different due to our upbringing and probably the fact we were raised together. All the missing years aside, I feel in my heart it's actually true when I say I have a sister. Everything I had heard from women who had sisters (good relationships I should say) including seeing the relationship my mother and her sister have, has given me an idea of what it means to have a sister......and I really feel like I do. She was an incredible sense of support and understanding over the last year. She became someone I could laugh, cry, and struggle with life in front of. I never imagined we would ever become as close as we have (or at least from my point of view). I am very thankful for the time I was able to spend with her and her familiy, and while I wish it could have lasted longer, I wish the circumstances would have allowed as such. It's nice, though, because I know we will keep in touch better now.

My life on the D-List

While I have always enjoyed moving and having the "new" of a new place/town/city, this recent move to Southern Illinois just doesn't have that same feeling. Really, it's been since last July when I returned to the states that relocating just didn't have that new car smell it used to. Perhaps because of the circumstances that brought me home last year, and the fact I have felt like I'm someones responsibility, while having someone as my responsibility. Also, returning to the states was not quite a "hey, I want to do this now", rather an "aww crap, now I gotta do this". Regardless of all the reasons behind it, fact is, I am incredibly lonely here in S. Illinois, and it has made me miss Usama all the more. All things aside from mine and Usama's issues last summer, we really are incredibly close.
I have moved so many times in my life, and as I get older, it gets more difficult from an emotional point of view because I have developed wonderful relationships over the last few years. With this current situation, however, I am not in a position to make friends, and therefore I miss my friends even more. I am attempting to adjust (my new favorite word), and hope this separation from Usama doesn't last much longer. While I know as Christians we are never "alone" yet can experience "loneliness"..and while I'm sure some people may or may not agree with this cliche, I see the point, and I am trying to keep this in mind.