Even pillaging gets boring

The black stains on the street are not the oil spots nor tire tracks which belong; rather they are the charcoal
outline of the death of civility. While a majority of people chose not
to act in an animal like way, still others displayed a disappointing
behavior which even then only lasted hours. And yet again, a few
represent the masses for all the world to see and judge.

I learned of the assassination of Bhutto while sitting in Manchester awaiting my flight onward to Islamabad. I
saw the pictures of the violent emotions of people who could only think
to turn on their fellow man in response to a tragic act. Whilst I did
not care for Bhutto's politics, nor her behavior, I would never wish
her dead. I sat in disgust while the news reported how Rawalpindi
is the safest place in Pakistan (not the most dangerous, but DEFINITELY not the safest these days), and how this woman who had disgraced her people
multiple times was now being considered a hero for democracy over and
over again. Mostly, however, I wondered 'what the hell is going on' .
Several phone calls later a plan was put into place, and I was loading
up the car to head back to the airport to meet my connecting flight. As
I entered the double doors for international departures, it was obvious
the long winding que of Pakistanis were not afraid to go home......and neither was I.

The plane was not a-buzz with discussion over any fallen hero, conspiracy
theories, or a feeling of hopelessness. Mainly, these folks were just
hoping (as I) that they wouldn't get stranded in the airport, and they
would reach their homes and families/functions..which ever was taking them
over. Those I heard discussing the situation were more offended at the
local reaction in the streets and were curious what the situation on
the ground was really like, because truth be told no one really trusts
the news except for those you wish wouldn't (like frigtened family members).

Arrival was on time, and as expected. It was hardly noticeable
anything was going on outside the entry gate to the airport, as the
only distinction was a slight increase of military police and a smaller
number of passengers roaming around. All domestic travel had been
stopped, and virtually all public transportation was at a halt. And as
we left, I dug into my bad for my camera.....sadly, it was in the bag
in the drunk (what an idiot!).

For
two hours (almost to the second) we attempted to get to a relatives
house. They live merely 15 min away from the airport, however due to
blocked roads and make-shift bon fires we had to continually turn the car around and attempt a new route. It wasn't
as bad as it had been the day before. No one was pulling anyone out of
their vehicle and torching it....rather, a few ill-willed people would
take a few political banners, perhaps some scrap and
roast marshmallows along side the road while car after car turned around
and went another way. I could see patches of black smoke here, there,
another starting a few yards away. It was more obnoxious than anything
else. I noticed a bunker of about 6/7 army personnel sitting and watching the show as if they are just needing a cold drink and some popcorn. The
theory was to let these guys have at their "fun" so long as people were
not getting hurt. Nice job guys. Never making it into the city
residence, plan B was enacted and we went into Islamabad, where aside
from everything being closed and the streets being empty.....there was
no signal of chaos or trouble in the country.

Then
Sat came. Shops were opening up, even gas stations were slowly making
their way back to pumping fuel and cleaning windshields.
I was amazed at the amount of traffic on the road when there was
virtually no where to go. Families were enjoying the day off in the
park, playing cricket, or simply taking a stroll. Barber shops, grocery
stores, and food vendors were buzzing around Rawalpindi. Several feet from where some guy beat up his neighbor, he now grabs a cup of chai
, a hair cut and heads to work or the park. Most, I imagine, have no
real idea of why they were going crazy the day before.....this is
apparent because morning and protest have seemingly all been forgotten.
The adrenaline rush is over, these same people were probably not even going to vote
in Jan.....or at least probably not for B.B. Much like how
most of those taking part in the L.A. riots several years ago didn't
know anything about the Rodney King decision. The cable and Internet
operators were still working hard, as their was no interruption in
service....we can see where the priorities are in people no matter
where they are from. We all want our MTV andYouTube don't we?

I
head down to Lahore in the morning. Irritated and saddened that
senseless violence caused even greater senseless reactions. I think I'm
even more saddened the people couldn't even commit to more than a few
hours! Not that I'm hoping for more idiotic rebellion and death, it's
just here is another piece of evidence for the prosecution of man that
we are complete selfish morons. Life will resume in full swing within a
day or so I'm convinced. I'm also convinced political violence will
continue. There are many people out there who do not wish for democracy
in Pakistan. It may be tattered democracy, but it's still a spit in the
face of a select few. What I wish for mostly is people will choose to
disobey themurderers and refuse to be stopped, because what has taken
place the last several days is exactly what the "fighters" are hoping
for. They only need to kill a few people and the whole country goes up
in flames, and life is at a stand still. We don't need the "terrorists"
in the world, do we, because we cause more damage to ourselves from
within than those from outside could ever do. And that is the truth for
everywhere.

My life chapter 1

I came across some old pictures from living in PK. These were all taken in 2005, I can't believe I never had these uploaded before now. they are a great photo tour of just a part of my life over in PK. of course, it's just a glimpse.


You'll still run into people herding goats (sometimes ox) through the town. This was a group of children herding their goats down the street that runs outside our neighborhood. They stop to eat the grass and such on the side of the road (the goats, not the children)

I have sooo many pictures of random children. Adults and children alike get excited when they see the "gori" with the camera. I love to take their pictures!!!

This was just funny to me. Donkey carts are still WIDELY used...for selling produce, moving from house to house...even construction (they move rock and stuff from point a to point b).




This is from Liberty Market....one of the most popular places to go shop for traditional "suits". You get them in three pieces (shirt, pants, shawl) and then get them stitched. This place is huge and it's just tiny isle after tiny isle of little shops and hallways with fabric.

This is the tailor we use most. (I've never mastered how to say his name) He's finally figured out how to make my suits, cause I don't like them tight-he's cool, but you have to threaten his life to get your stuff on time...typical Asian.

This is his shop. He's on the bottom, taking care of the customers..while the tailors are up top sewing. He does certain suits....for instance he did my engagement suit. He's a nice man...very cool.




Usama buying....who knows. I can't even remember where we were, but he's freshly shaven and wearing sunglasses so we must have been out and about from early evening. He's probably buying cigarettes judging by the stand he's at.



Although you can buy your produce at the market (I like here), it's a lot cheaper to go into the "market" and buy them from the vendors. You have to pretend to know what costs what what or some will try to rip you off, but most are pretty cool.


Again, you can buy your meat in the market...but we (well, Tehara or Usama cause I'm sure not) can go to the stand and get it that way. The chickens are killed on sight....One reason I'm sure in the hell not going to get the meat!

Pack the film...leave the burqa

There are many reasons I'm looking forward to my upcoming return to Pakistan....but one of the hot items on my list is the fact I'll be there for elections (or lack there of). Either way, it's going to be a big time in the country...and I've got two cameras and a journalists' drive for getting out there. My husband and I have had several conversations about what I "will and will not do". He's more on the "will not" side, while I am on the "will". I've had to remind him....I'm still the white Christian chick who went to PK on my own in 2004.

Well, just like in 2004, I find ways to make jokes about serious situations(like being taken hostage). I don't know why, I really don't think it would be a fun experience, but I don't figure I am in control so why not make the jokes (that, and I'm not truly concerned about it). In the fall of 2004 I was laughing with a friend of mine and said I wanted a shirt that would say "I'm with stupid" with arrows pointing behind me. People who know about those old shirts, and people who have ever seen a hostage video will appreciate that most. Anyway, my friend and I laughed and laughed and I carried the joke into other punchlines and we had many humorous conversations. That's what I know to do usually. Today on the phone I told my husband it has dawned on me that even if they attempt to kidnap me, it won't last, and here's why:

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE GUYS? From the video coverage I've seen in the past, these guys in the background are pretty small....and, well, I'm not.....so there's a good chance they won't try to wrestle this bull!

They'd deliver me with full condolences to my husband: The way I talk....and talk, and talk, and talk....they wouldn't be able to handle it. Even if they didn't turn the Toyota around and drop me off at home...they'd never have enough video for all of my rambling! "We are very sorry for you sir, your mind and ears must ring 24 hours a day, best of luck"

I'm not stupid: I don't intend to climb the mountains and get that exclusive with the dumb asses runnin' those training camps...I'd much rather hang out and smoke hookah at mini golf and get halwa puri at 6am with my family.

Finally, folks.....no need to worry-just expect to see some great pictures and funny stories about goats and sweaters......that's the real stuff anyway.

Black Friday

I have never been one to get into jumping out at 4am to go shopping.....of course, I rarely have the money to purchase anything that I would save hundreds of dollars on......but this year I got really lucky and found myself going shopping...nothing crazy-but I'm excited;

Ezzah's toys-I had been looking for this specific toy for my ma to get Ezzah for her birthday. I had only seen it at Toys R Us and that was fine. I had looked a couple of other places just so she could see it, but had no luck. (TRU is about an hour away from us). Whilst looking through the ads just for the fun of it, I noticed one of the stores in the area had them on Thanksgiving buy one get one free. I should mention, with the first toy, there was a second which was also educational and fun....so I figured...of course! I found myself walking into the store at 7am on Thanksgiving morning to pick up these items. It was no big deal-we are up plenty early anyway....and memaw got to hang out with ezzah

Coat for me-I saw this leather jacket a few weeks ago that I LOVED (and happened to look pretty good in), but even at 60% off I wasn't going to fork over that kind of paper for a jacket.....well....the ads said the day after Christmas such coat would be on sale for 60$-and the store opened at 4am. I don't think I would have gotten up to go get the coat, but I had to be at work at 5 so went ahead and went over. Again not a big deal...and I got a sweet coat!

Stuff for the husband-I noticed several items a couple of weeks ago which I wrote down on my "things not to forget before going to PK" list. Well, these prior mentioned ads had all of these items DRASTICALLY on sale on friday. Since I had to work and my grandad didn't really didn't have much to do, he went over mid-morning and picked up these things(the store was not busy and close to my house). He also picked up a few items for himself :)

So, while I didn't camp out for a really cheap computer or Wii (which would be sooo cool to have), I got the things I wanted and saved quite a bit of money....good deal

He IS an awesome God!

The Beauty Of Space - Click here for the funniest movie of the week

MOOOSH!

Okay, so I'm often aware of the fact that I appear to be a minority....but what's great is I find myself many times surrounded by my fellow minorities (we're talking in thought not in race, age, religion, etc)

I don't know that I can say I agree with the State of Emergency in Pakistan.....of course I wouldn't try to pretend to disagree with it either....for the reason that I am not in charge of Pakistan, nor am I privy to any information those in charge are. I guess that doesn't matter. It also should go to mention the fact I'm even discussing this issue means I'm not quite as A-Political as I desire to be.

But why would anyone really care. I don't think they do. The news has moved on to the latest in domestic issues, the democratic debates went off and now we discuss who the a worst job.

Here's my point. I live in a country where one of the biggest platforms of campaigning to be MY leader is who we will and will not be going to war with next. We say we don't believe in dictatorships....yet we dictate to every other country out there how they should be ran. Hell, WE AREN'T EVEN A TRUE DEMOCRACY!

I have said ages ago and I stand by my thoughts stronger and stronger as the days go by. Christians (and I could argue people of most faiths) are not meant to be involved in politics. We Christians are to be concerened with the widows, the sick, those incarcerated....to love as God loves.Welcome to being a humanitarian rather than a politician. I have felt for A LONG TIME it is not worth getting involved with who is and who is not in charge, because on the grander scale it doesn't matter if you decide human life is more important. I would rather volunteer feeding the hungry than go vote. I feel true change in this country would not be to finally elect someone OTHER than a republican or democrat, rather it would be to fill up the homeless shelters with food and clothing for people.

p.s. I do know the political interested part of me CAN'T STAND B.B., Imran Khan, or Nawaz Sharif.......

DUCK!

"you call it loosening up, I call it spiraling down"

As I have commented many many times before-what this culture has done to Christianity is, at times, disgusting. I don't entirely blame the preachers and messengers, as I don't believe some people truly think about what is going on. Some things, I'm willing to "live and let live", because my hope is sometimes ignorance will be someone's saving grace. However, the sight of flying tortillas had me gasping for air.

I'm not kidding. We live in a world where we attempt at all costs to take the sanctity out of the church in order to appeal to people who seem to have no desire to learn about God unless it's on their terms. We've stepped up the music beat including guitar solos that can be easily compared to a "guitar hero" session. We've created light shows for the singers, all sorts of swinging doors and props for the speakers. And having worked in churches who utilize this sort of behavior, I've also seen the political game it takes to be "cool" enough to work under the big top. TV preachers go to greater lengths, as they are trying to vie for a greater audience....move over American Idol.

I've become saddened because I believe this is not indicative of the Church God had in mind. I'm sad because I wonder what we miss as a congregation by being subjected by (and/or involved with) this Barnum and Baily's act. The new line has been drawn when a preacher on TV opened his message by throwing (literally frisby-ing ) them into the audience (I call it that intentionally). WTH????

Have we decided that church is no longer a place of worship and reverence for God....to bring our offerings of praise, repentance, and acceptance of his Word in our lives??? Perhaps the church is now just as casual as TGIF or Applebees. Perhaps someone has decided there's no longer a need for reverence and respect in he place we choose to call a place of worship. I don't recall reading anything in the Bible that said that this was the plan for our lives, but I guess as I've mentioned before....that just goes to show I'm obviously not on the new council of Christianity!

Osama bin Santa

The reason we can't find Osama bin Laden in Afghanistan or Pakistan is due to the fact he's actually hiding out in our local shopping malls. Just as he traveled the caves of S.E. Asia, he wonders from city to city/mall to mall conducting research. Like Bigfoot some people are able to snap pictures of him before he takes off....but also like the myth...many people don't believe even the evidence. He has granades snapped to his belt, carries a radio in the shape of a small army tank in order to keep in touch with those under his command and is sometimes seen with a camera man for on the spot video recordings. Be aware this holiday season.........

as we know it

Okay, so.....I'm not suggesting we all sell our possessions and join a commune, however, this is something that has become of a passing interest to me...the scientific end to the world.

I have never been one to concentrate too much on the "rapture" and all of the other "in" words in Christianity's revelation. I believe God will do things as He wishes and that will be that. However, there has been a repetitive bit of information coming from different traditions and cultures that all lead to the same suggestion....Dec 2012 is going to be a very interesting time period. What is intriguing to me is these various people are form different locations, time periods, and methods have all come to the same scientific conclusion....when the science wasn't even there yet.

Essentially, there will be an alignment of the sun and some other stuff (we all know I don't remember facts and names very well) and it's going to throw the whole cosmic world off kilter. I'm not saying this WILL be the end...but I don't think I'm ready to say it's not bound to happen......thoughts?

Semantics

This list will grow, as I recall and hear things to add to it....but the more I listen to radio preaching, or even talk with other Christians (around here)...there are cultural phrases in our Christian language that drive me crazy. Granted, it's all semantics, but I'm curious what effect (affect) this has on people w/o anyone even realizing it. Except me of course, because I'm a friggin genius ;)


Backsliding-where did this term come from?? I understand it's used to explain a Christian who has "walked away from the Lord", but I'm concerned, and confused as to it's effects. Is it generally simply better to say about ones life "there were times (a time) after I accepted the Lord I chose not to live according to His word".....or even something shorter if they wished...but backsliding gives to the idea that while following the Lord we are forward sliding..and I don't think anyone would describe their "walk" with the Lord "sliding". You see how we have way too many words??? Walking,sliding...UF!
Saved (getting, praying for someone to be)- to my understanding, we are re-born. To quote the bible anyway..another way of metaphorically speaking (but better) would be to say when someone was to accept salvation (which I've heard sued). The day Jesus died for our sins as the sacrifice was the day we were saved essentially. I do understand the point someone has attempted to make, but it's been taken far out of context for far too long. People have wondered from what actually happened when Jesus took the cross.

I think another thing that bothers me is the talk of the resurrection. I hope what I say doesn't sound blasphemous or something-but to my knowledge, it wasn't that Jesus was risen from the dead (because He did this while on earth and to my understanding said the apostles would be given the ability to be used in similar ways). The idea, perhaps, is more that Jesus raised HIMSELF from the dead.....whereas others were under the power of the very God he stood in place of on earth (don't misunderstand that statement please). I don't know if anyone has been raised since the resurrection....and I'm not too worried, God does what God chooses. Also, Jesus did not stay on earth and live a second life, as we can assume the others did....which is also wonderful.
I just think Christians in this culture need to dive deeper into what was actually done/said in the Bible rather than spit the same old sermon's over and over just using new anecdotes. Perhaps I'm wrong on this, and that's okay....but I feel comfortable I'm not too far off.,

It aint over no more!

I love the history channel...granted it's gotten about 80% military....planes, tanks...blah blah blah....but for the most part, it's been a great medium for where this world has come from. They've gotten quite tech savvy as well, using digital images to animate what happened at battles, give us a glimpse of what things may or may not have looked like. Quite cool.

HOWEVER what the hell do aliens and doomsday have to do with the Roman Empire, Queen Victoria, and the Cuban Missile Crisis??? Regularly they have programs that discuss the reality/myth of aliens, and ufo's. Stories of the Mayan calender dictating the end of the world on 12/12/2012, or something like that.....Nostradamus's' prophecies of the end of days...etc. etc. etc. I'm so tired of it. I'm sad this has become the new priority of the History Channel. I much preferred learning the location of Ghandi's underwear and Nepolian's high soled boots.

BOO!

It's that time of year again. When children of all ages will pick a character and attempt to spend time adhereing to this character's personality. Some will dawn the being of the "black" spider man, others will try to be silly like sponge bob. Little girls will show off their princess skills, and the brave ones will put the fangs and fake blood in their mouth's and attempt to convince the neighborhood they are only out at night. Most of them will do this all for a bag, pillowcase, or plastic pumpkin of candy. That's right, it's Halloween!

Now, many many Christians forbid the joining in of this "holiday". It's a pagan holiday. Evil is represented from past to present on this very day. Nasty evil things take place specifically the 31st of Oct year after year, and Christians choose not to succumb to this behavior. Good point. However, here are mine:

Christmas, Easter, and a plethora of others actually all came from or are at the same time of "pagan" holidays. It has even been widely agreed upon (if not a fact by now) Jesus was not actually born in what we understand as December. Easter has long been a celebration of spiritualism and the new season. (among other things). Now, why or why not these are also now Christian holidays is really no concern for me....I don't really mind that we share, so long as people are willing to accept the point. Why is halloween any different? Is it because Christians haven't found a "spiritual" connection to hijack it over? Since the birth of the "house of horror" type places (the not so haunted haunted house) I would argue Halloween has become the "scare the hell out of people (literally) night" And, like other holidays, you can be a Christian and still adopt/celebrate other versions of the shared holiday. For instance, Christians exchange gifts, which is arguably not connected to the wise men brining gifts to the baby savior. Many hunt easter eggs...witch has NOTHING to do with the death or resurrection of Jesus.

SO, accept the fact that we can hijack pagan holidays, give them our own meaning, and do with them what we want, so long as we throw a church service in there ;) I'm going to dress my daughter up like a monkey and hit the methodist church!

Unto Idols?

I pose this question for those who know or don't know me....I feel anyone can offer their opinion on this matter....however, please do not choose to be offended by what I am about to say.

For those that read the Bible, we know about the meat that was eaten after being sacrificed unto idols, and how that was not good. But, we know it was happening. I believe that it was probably also being sold in the markets and such-and give me a bit and I'll find where it was I found whatever I found to imply this idea. Now, I've also heard that when Peter had the vision of the animals being ok'd to eat, it wasn't that God was permitting those animals that were not meant to be eaten to therefore be eaten (pig, certain fish, etc.). Rather, he was permitting the partaking of the animals that weren't forbidden to eat on face value, but those that had been used as sacrifice for pegans/idols. I heard this being spoken on, and it raised an interesting thought into my mind. It may or may not be affected by the above information, I haven't come to that conclusion as of yet.

Here's my question. It is okay that someone (me for instance) eats meat that is "halal". Halal meat, for those that don't know, is basically the Islamic version of Kosher. In Islam, how an animal is butchered as well as what is said during the butchering is what determines if the meat is halal. What is said during the butchering (in arabic) basically is saying they are butchering that animal in the name of Allah. Sort of how Christians pray that God blesses their meal before they partake. Now....first, does butchering fall under sacrafice? Second, does butchering an animal under "Allah's" name or, in God's name under the umbrella of a different religion, mean that the animal has been butchered under a pagan religion...what is the definition of a pagan god?

I would appreciate any thoughts on this matter...even if you don't know specifics about Islam...just based on what you know, or what this explains, would you constitute eating "halal" meat forbidden?

If you don't have an answer, but have some thoughts on the idea in general, I welcome those as well.

Share crops

It's interesting to find where you are now....and compared to where you used to be when it comes to one's ideologies...about anything really. I will comment specifically on growing spiritually, however, and this may shock some people.

I've come to the conclusion (and it's about time probably) that nothing matters. I don't mean that in a "just kill me now" mentality. I mean that in the sense that I look around me and feel like we are WAY off as a society...but it doesn't surprise me, because I believe it all stems from the garden on eden when Even thought she needed to know it all. We live in a society that feels it needs to know and understand EVERYTHING. Even if we don't care to understand it, we think we need to weigh in with our opinion. We have 24 hour "news" channels that not only keep us up to date on what is going on with OUR involvement in Iraq, but also with what is going on with OJ Simpson, Brittany Spears, and what food the airline will be serving this Christmas. We have gossip channels, food channels, court tv channels.....to name a few. There's no lack of some sort of information out there. But it's not the secular I am concerned with...because they don't follow the same rules and understandings the Christians do. It is, therefore, the church getting as involved that concerns me. I've mentioned this to some respect in previous posts and therefore will attempt to not repeat myself.

The latest in my searching is understanding other faiths and lifestyles. Christians (scholars and laymen) write books, give speeches, hold training seminars and all but create churches based on their expertise of a religion or lifestyle of others. Now, I am also guilty of this having spent years studying Islam and creating a certain knowledge base of other non-Christian ways of life. Now, let me say, for those that are training to be, or training others to be, ministers/missionaries it is understandable to a degree to know how to respect a culture. However, I am not really speaking of those. I am speaking about the average joe...who listens to the radio guy, or watches the TV guy claim to know the ends and outs of this or that.

It is not the seeking of knowledge that I am most against quite frankly. It is the appearance that we 1. put ALL into such knowledge when it comes to dealing with someone of said lifestyle or religion. 2. Many times it is people OUTSIDE of such religion or lifestyle who are the "experts" and therefore I find many things contradicting...or just plain pointless. Example-there are SOOO MANY said experts on Islam (who are Christians)....and some will tell you Jihad means this...Jihad means that...this is why they say this...etc. etc. (you get me)...yet, really IT DOESN'T MATTER. It doesn't matter what Jihad means, because it's not going change how the Muslim is to be treated by us. It doesn't change the fact that the Muslim has not accepted Jesus as the Messiah and therefore his/her personal savior. It means nothing, really. It doesn't matter WHY someone had an abortion....simply that they are in need of grace, and therefore deserve our love and compassion. Would someone deserve less grace or love if they had an abortion because they were scared rather than selfish....think about it from spiritual terms.

If we concentrate on learning to love one another and learning all the fruits of such love.....knowledge or none of a certain religion or lifestyle will have no affect (effect?) Rather, we will come to understand what the Bible says anyway....we are either going to be planting a seed, watering a seed, or harvesting....but NEVER are we the life to that seed. We are simply the farmer.

And the bags get packed.....again

For those of you that know me well...this will come as no surprise. I am currently in the process of planning my next visit to that wonderful land of terrorist camps and scary guys with beards.....that's right, going back to Pakistan. Now, for those that don't know me well.....I'm SOOOOO excited. First, I don't view Pakistan through the same lens that Fox News and CNN do-and therefore I am not going to fear my life every waking moment. Second-it's only for a visit. Ezzah will be turning a year and having no real job (or hardly any job at all for that matter), and not doing much with my life, and I have the opportunity....I'm going to grab at it happily.

There are several reasons this is a great thing to do. First, how awesome will Ezzah's pictures be while she's toddling around Lahore???? (obviously not the most important reason). Second, Usama has missed EVERYTHING in our daughter's first year of life. He's followed her happenings the same way most everyone has....via her blog page. I think it will be GREAT for him to be part of this celebration. Which....I'm a little confused sometimes as to why the first year is such a big deal-not like she's been hanging on by a thin string or something...but I digress. Third, (and one of the most important reasons) her Grandmother and Aunt will be able to see her...which is not something that will happen as often once Usama gets over here. Sometimes I feel really badly for them as they live away from all of the children and miss seeing them grow.....and of course Ezzah is the favorite! :) I realize this is part of being with someone from a different country...for both sides.

Yes, I am excited also, because I really enjoy visiting Pakistan. There always seems to be something new for me to do, learn, experience. I am also planning on doing further research from my original trip (if anyone remembers what took me there to begin with!) This is fun for me because I love research, and I fell in love with what I did before. Not because I was so good, but because I learned so much. I came away with such a different viewpoint on Pakistan and learned so much about the issue I studied. I met so many wonderful people doing my studies, and while I don't need to walk away with another husband....I wouldn't mind walking away with more acquaintances.

So, I will be going through my suitcases, emptying them out, and getting things in order. Let's hope Ezzah is as good a traveler as a one year old as she was as a one month old!!!

Eye opener

Most are aware of one of my jobs being at a coffee shop. It's not even quite that cool-it's a college coffee shop...and not a cool college. Not the point though.

I see all sorts of people, and the fact the public aid/dept.of human services office is in the same complex-some of these people need to be educated, but all of them need to be loved. It's probably the next depressing daily allowance of reality I've gotten since living in a "developing" country. I'm serious. From babies born to women who are incredibly unfit and obviously don't care about having such a gift (and I can understand not thinking it such a "gift")-to older people who have a hard time just making it out of bed daily. It's just person after person who break my heart each shift. I've seen all this one at a time.....an uncaring parent at the grocery store, and elderly person struggling over how to write a check at the checkout line.....it's all over.

Then there's this one woman. She's got Parkinson's disease.......and it's BAD! I've seen people with hand shakes and stuff.....and it's minimal to medium. This poor woman, however, I just....I don't know how she still functions-and sometimes I can tell she doesn't. She has the hardest time keeping anything in grasp, and watching her walk, you can see she manages by the grace of God. I've never seen anything like this. My heart melts every time I see her. I'm amazed at what this disease is capable of doing to someone. Unlike certain situations....those who feel like failures, or unloved, you can offer them kind words, develop a relationship....etc. etc. For those who struggle due to age or other disabilities, you can offer assistance physically-helping them with their chores, etc. For this woman....I was at a loss. What do you do for someone in this condition. Obviously you pray-but your heart breaks and you don't feel like that's enough.

I think of the second coming-end of the world-whatever is going to happen first, and honestly, sometimes my heart is saddened. I realize this isn't a Christian way to think-and I'll admit it's the "carnal" part of me who can't fathom being in the presence of God, not missing my family/friends, not even realizing what I've left. Then, I realize it's incredible selfish of me to wish for a second for another moment w/o Jesus' return, when there are so many who just await that moment for their life to be not hell. (no joke intended).

I miss my husband, and I think daily of the possibility of never seeing him again. Perhaps it'll be due to being called home...perhaps something sad.....I love my daughter-and am thankful for the joy she's brought into my life. I can't imagine getting up everyday and facing what so many people who have horrible parents, disabling diseases, living in sever poverty.....I just can't imagine how they get up and go about their day.

Stranger than stupid!

Okay, I just watched "Stranger Than Fiction". For two reasons only....I love Emma Thompson, and I was told there's a Bollywood movie with a similar plot.

While, I'm not Lit know-it-all. Quite frankly, I'm a Lit, know nothing. I read books I like, I like them for various reasons, but from an analytical point of view I don't generally expect or respect many of the characteristics of "good literature". Which, may or may not matter to why I hated this movie, except, the plot is essentially centered on this wonderful piece of lit that Emma Thompson's character is writing. For those that haven't seen the movie, I won't waste time going into it.

Despite the fact that the movie was just.......stupid......when Will Ferrell's character finds the author and finds out he's going to have to die and he finds out from this lit guru that Will must face this...the answer is basically 'the book will suck otherwise'. THAT'S THE REASON THIS GUY NEEDS TO DIE??? Okay, the point that "we all go sometime" is mentioned, but the swaying of the pendulum is a good book. WTF!!! Sorry, but that's just the most ridiculous thing I've seen in a very long time, and as mentioned I like Bollywood movies, and they put out a lot of silly stuff. I'm sure glad I was usuing my free trial of Netflix for this! Stupid movie.

What really matters

I read the blogs of my friends in the ministry, and while they don't devote every waking hour to their work-they are doing exactly what we were instructed by Jesus to do with our lives. Do I think you have to be "in the ministry" to obey Jesus...oh no, but I think this culture gives to that frame of mind.

First, EVERYTHING is a ministry. I realize it's semantics, but what has been meant for attempting to explain something, has turned into an excuse not to do something. What I mean is....Christians forget that feeding the poor, helping their neighbor, visiting people in the hospital.....these aren't segregated in the Bible. These weren't a list of things we COULD do....they were within the list of things we are SUPPOSED to do. Yet, so many people don't do something because it's not part of "their ministry", or, they don't think they can do something to help someone because they aren't part of a specific ministry. We assume that since there's a ministry for this or that we can just sort of stay out of it. Or, we put our time into this ministry or that ministry and we think it's all good.

I realize I sound awfully judgmental, and it's actually not the people I am judging, it's just looking at what words and terms have done to our society.

The basic instruction: Love one another. This doesn't mean we put in our time on Tuesdays from 7-9, or perhaps we have our number listed for the single mothers prayer club......it means we love.....everyone...no questions, no requirements, no qualifications. You don't have to be a single mother to love a single mother. You don't have to have committed a crime to love a criminal. Every Christian can relate to anyone, on one simple fundamental-we've all been at a place when we needed God's grace, and that's the starting point with anyone.

Sat

I'm bored, and exhausted. I don't know what keeps me from going to bed, except sheer stupidity.

"free" people

Considering the idea of "free", and the recent learning of the Battle of Thermopylae both from "historical" points as well as dramatic....something has come to my mind about the Romans of B.C.......were they actually "free".

I understand compared to many many people they were surrounded by, the people of the Roman Empire were "free" rather than enslaved. This, however, is not a born-into freedom. The history of the Roman people, as well as who was allowed to maintain life, is based on choice-someone else's choice-for someone's life. This is not freedom, indeed, it's a form of life-control, and I believe a form of slavery. EVERYTHING in a person's life during the times of the Roman Empire was about the "state". Decisions were made, lives were ended, and everything revolved around the state of the Roman Empire. If not only in their minds'. Women were handed over to men, children-if not abandonded at birth-were stripped from their families and put through what we would consider horrific training-through adult-hood. Dying for the "state" was one's greatest gift, and they lived accordingly. Is this actually freedom? Is brainwashing patriotism not slavery? Perhaps life was better for these slaves than for those within other cultures, but none the less, it was slavery.

As found on Wikipedia and correctly noted there "The head of the household had great power (patria potestas, "father's power") over those living with him: He could force marriage and divorce, sell his children into slavery, claim his dependents' property as his own, and even had the right to kill family members (though this last right apparently ceased to be exercised after the first century B.C.).[71] Patria potestas even extended over adult sons with their own households: A man was not considered a paterfamilias, nor could he truly hold property, while his own father lived"

Looking at the cultural background of the Roman people, they are not much different than those of that area today-with some exceptions of course. This leads me to view what some of us take as "religious" practices as actually being passed down through cultural. (another post though)

I guess I noticed this the most recently, because of how often the terms "volunteer army" and "free fighters" were used in my readings and viewings. We understand the Roman Empire as having brought about many many of the current ways of living, from architecture to government-but, as usual, we don't pay attention to where the priorities really were. It's indicative of the human race, isn't it....to look to human examples for their way of life rather than to look to God and what he says is truth. Throughout many (I would dare say most), the very ingredient that would disable so many of these ways of life for people is simply love. Although not every culture has a religon that teaches love as Christians know it to be in the Bible...that's sort of my point. How the world, without God by choice or by culture, is a very very sad place. I am curious as to how mankind (as a whole) has missed this from culture to culture....living without truly loving one another, even from a non-relious motivation.

We will fight in the shade

Okay, because I'm a big dork and know pretty close to nothing about the comic book/graphic novel world...I JUST saw 300 today. I will also confess my desire to see this movie is actually based on the fact that I watched the History Channel special on the historical account of such events, rather than any knowledge of a comic book even existing. I don't recall how 2 and 2 were put together, but they did and I rented the dvd. I must say WAY COOL! oh...and EWWWWW both comments for so many reasons. I would have to say while I understand it's not all factual in the movie...even within costumes and such, I am sad that one scene wasn't given a greater look, and that is indeed of the legend of the arrows that covered the day sky and made it dark. The movie did show that this happened, but most of the scene was then watching them fall to the ground (which, incidentally, they made a point in showing the robes get arrowed down, but no one seemed to have a hard time getting up did they...hhmm). I would have loved for this to be something of a bigger picture just because it was such an ordeal....enough arrows in the sky to darken it, and if memory serves me correct, it was for quite a little bit of time.

I have tons of analysis on the Roman Empire itself, but that is for another post.....for the movie WAY COOL! I am quite impressed with the acting of the lead character, I'm too lazy at this point to check his name. Also, while I think it was a little bit of a push to seek the "human" side of the Romans within a film like this, I did enjoy the character study of the queen. I rarely like movies that are so digitalized the acting is not even noticed, but this film is a WONDERFUL combination of what can be done in both directions. I would say the digital parts of this weren't the usual "no way that's so fake" type, rather used to accent certain points, which made it (to me) more photographic in idea, for me as a viewer anyway.

Obviously, there was dramatic liberties taken, and that's expected, but the film (and I'm assuming the comic) got the essence of the story-which is pretty nifty.

Xerxes....what a freak!

My father is not four

I will bring my recent soapbox down to this point.....If Jesus...King by both bloodline and Authority did not rule the eart, what on earth do Christians think they are doing trying to rule it for Him.

I realize I am DEEPLY unpopular in my thinking, and I'm okay with that. I don't claim to have all the secrets of God in my pocket (I did marry outside my faith), and therefore perhaps my credibility is shot in some minds. However, I don't claim to be on the list for the next authors of the Bible, I am merely someone who seeks to understand God through eyes not of my culture.

I enjoy following politics for the most part. Not only within my own country, but I am deeply interested in what happens in other parts of the world as well, specifically Pakistan (go figure), however, even from p.s. point of view-there's a lot to be studied and something major has the opportunity of happening soon. But I digress. I have discovered, though, perhaps it's not in the Christian's calling OR best interest to be so vested in wordly politics. First, it takes many away from attempting soul care and tries to simply legalize morality....and guess what, it won't work. I also find it goes against scripture. I don't believe people intend to try to tell God what won't happen, rather they just don't want it happening in the good ole' U.S.A. Read the Bible, though, and nowhere does it say "It will be as in the times of Noah-except the United States of America, where all will be peacefull and there will be no homosexuals." (seeing they tend to be a Christian's worse nightmare) Forget they have a soul as well.

What is the option? I'm not quite there yet, because I'm not sure where to draw the line, but I will say, I'm going to spend more time praying about those of us on earth (including myself) and less time trying to decide which crackpot I think should be in office. Let's face it....even if Hilary Clinton gets elected (I just had a shiver run up my spine with those nausiating words), then I believe this is God's will in order for things to run as he supposes. I think that's his perogative too actually.

We were told to spread the good news. To concentrate on loving people, the widows, the sick (and I dont' believe this implys only those with the flu), even those in jail....oh yes, even the badies. We were told to love others as God is love. I figure, if Jesus wasn't arguing the law at his trial, we have no right to argue the law with this country, no matter what those who wrote some stuff down on a peice of paper said, believed, or we THINK they believed. I will be a Christian regardless of who is in office, of what stupid rule they pass to drive us from society, and no matter what country I live in frankly.

Caution, adult content below......

I'm serious, I will be adressing conception in this note, so for the shy, you may wish to wait the next entry. Nothing explicit really, just philosophy.


I was reading "The Abolition of Man" by C.S.Lewis the other day, still working through it as I don't spend a lot of time reading these days, and he was discussing the effect (affect?) of the institution of contraceptives. He spends several sentances throughout the book thus far touching on this, and since they were being used more often and more publicly for the first time during this time frame it's understandable. One thing he mentions though, is that by the use of such items, we are basically controlling the population of the earth. This suprises me of him. Not to say I'm a scholor of all things C.S. Lewis, however, someone of other thoughts I've read of his suprise me to think he would lend something like population of the earth in the hands of us humans.


Perhaps I'm on the side of the ever so famous Monty Python song that talks of the catholic familiy who will not use any sort of contraceptive. (which I will not quote, but many are familiar with, if not......rent "The Meaning of Life") Now, I can talk big, right, because my husband is on another continent and I'm a faithful wife. HOWEVER, I also had a kid when I SOOOOO was not wanting one (so, I'm not quite a hypocrit). My point, is that if throughout the Bible, and many times in some of the most elequently written Psalms, God is the maker of our days. He knew us before we were formed in the unknown. All our steps are ordained by him. I'm not going to go intoa pre-destination rant, because that makes my head hurt....but in the realm of life.....birth....doesn't it lend to the idea that it is God rather than man that is in charge of population growth? I've struggled with my own decisions on birth control, obviously should have gotten my theory down BEFORE getting married, but oh well...she's fun. And, yeah, I'm kind of scared of the possibility of having more children....okay REALLY scared......but I'm not sure it's up to me, anymore than Ezzah was. Perhaps if I stayed married, and stayed 3,000miles apart from my husband I wouldn't have anything to fear, but that's a little extreme.

I have really no actual point here, I guess, except to say that it suprises me C.S.Lewis of all people would think we have some sort of hold over the next generation because we can choose to create LESS of a population. I could be missing something he has said at a later time, of course....but for now, that's where I am. And, I have to say, I don't agree with him, which says absolutely nothing really, because I can't even pretend to be able to stand on the same level as him philosophically.

*spell check isn't working on here for me, so now you know what a complete moron I am and can't spell worth anything!

Frappe'

While thinking of a particular idea in the Bible, it brought me to wish to be better understanding of the idea behind the idea. I have heard a sermon on "being hot or cold....or lukewarm" many many times. To my knowledge (or to my memory), I don't recall what hot...cold....and lukewarm actually imply. And, is hot and cold both versions of Christianity, and you can get into heaven being one or the other....it is just the lukewarm that aren't allowed? Perhaps I have my understanding of this verse wrong (or I should say my misunderstanding). I have a lot of thoughts and wonders about judgement, because I know it's final....and in all honesty it scares the stuffing out of me.....but I lack understanding of what is exactly to be heaven bound. Perhaps because what Jesus says, and then what is in Revelation varies in my mind...I mean, it doesn't seem so cut and dry. I have been told, simply believing is simply enough.....and yet what does that mean really.

Is lukewarm believing, but still adhereing to the "world", and when I say that I mean in the small things-what I watch on TV, read, listen to in music, etc. etc. Can I say I believe and be entertained by non-God praising means. If things that are of God good, adn things that are not bad, then that reasoning leads me to believe that many things I think are surely okay...perhaps aren't, it's my culture that has taught me that they are. I have had similar thoughts to this before and I'm told that God would not have us live so "rigid", but is it really rigid to God....or is it Godly......and perhaps there's a hot and a cold in all that, and they are both good enough......so what is lukewarm.

I am not for most things our society lives by, but I see there is no real way to escape what we as humans have done. From health to lifestyles, it's difficult to live according to what seems to be the right way, unless one converts to be Amish (which.....I don't see on some level to be so bad quite frankly)

&**&^$%#$

How do you accurately swear without writting it out plainly? I would surely have no issues writting just how I am feeling at the moment, however, I would severly offend those I am closest to. Therefore, please take my status that I am INCREDIBLY PISSED at the moment.

I get this letter today from the National Visa Processing Center, in said letter is the good news...time to send Usama's application to New Hampshire. I was able (miraculously) to get through to a customer service agent about a month ago, and they told me we could follow the online instructions to be prepared. Usama could send me the required documents and that way we could send them straight in I got the above mentioned letter. So we did. Being the control freak that I am, I read, re-read, and re-read again everything on the website to make sure what we needed to get. And, he sent it. I've had everything ready, anxiously awaiting todays letter.

And then I open it. There is a supplement form-DATED AUG 1992- that says that if the applicant is married he/she must have a passport that reflects marital status. I should mention, the website does state he needs to send a copy of a specific page from his passport....but nothing about what needs to be on it. Naturally, I AM PISSED!!! Why, because this has now pushed us back AT LEAST a month, and that is if he can rush over to the office where one gets a passport and get one (as if he has a money tree growing on the terrace). WHAT THE *&%#! Had this piece of information been relayed, we could have at least gotten his passport by now and he could have sent in the right form.

All the talk of immigration reform.....I'm not really sure what these politicians are actually talking about....aside from a bunch of bull, because they sure aren't going to reform the system where it makes any sense (I have a list of obsurdatices), and they sure aren't going to reform it for those that are actually trying to do it right. How friggin hard is it to simply update a damn website??? How hard is it for the c.s agent to give that little bit of information? What the hell are they doing if they can't accurately answer a question....WHEN YOU CAN GET THROUGH!! I'm moving to Dubai.....or Canada....or Montana.

In the real world

Okay, so my last post was all about how I am realizing just how much of a jerk I am, right? And how I'm prayerfully trying to work out of that. Wouldn't you know it, I go to work yesterday and meet perhaps the STUPIDEST people on the face of the planet. I have some tips for society;

1)Don't go into a coffee shop, stare at the price board for 4/5 min, order three drinks and then complain when the price is over 10$. Yeah, you're an idiot for spending so much on beverages! Either you can't add and you were generally shocked, or you just want what you want and then want to complain when you have to pay for it........that's capitalism baby!

2)Dont' order a frappacino and then say "oh, I'd better not" to the whipped cream...ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? That whipped cream is NOTHING compared to the crap you're digesting in that damn drink.....as if we're talking about a slim fast shake here....idiot

3)Don't complain to me about the prices. Have you never ordered a latte' anywhere else, do you not know that espresso drinks are liquid gold you are drinking? Also, do you really think I'd be making your damn drink if I was in a position to control pricing NO, my fat ass would be sitting in some leather chair behind some huge desk playing online golf if I had that sort of control. Leave a note, I'll be sure to pass it on to the master.


And finally-here's what just made me realize I am no where near where I was hoping I was (I guess realizing your faults does not mean you've managed to improve on them). This guy came in and wanted to use one of the computers (I should add, we are a college cafe', and there is a "bar" of 4 computers for people to come in and get online). He stands in front of one of them and asks if anyone was sitting there, I said no.....he says okay. I am afraid the last guy left some porn page up on the screen so I glance over to the screen and it's email. So I tell the guy he can just close it up. The next thing I notice, he's going through the emails!!!!!! Okay, so he's just some jerk, right.....well, he comes to the counter about an hour later (I am pretty sure he went to other sites through this hour, leaving the person's email elsewhere) and notices my book by C.S. Lewis. I dont' have it out for anyone to notice, I was just reading it when he came up and I put it down. He starts discussing with me these other Christian books of Lewis' he's read. I want to tell him he's a big fat jerk for reading other people's email and then talking to me about Christian philosophy, till it dawns on me, telling someone off and then talking Christian philosophy is probably along the same lines of integrity.

Point-I am a jerk..........and I measure up to a jerk who would sit and read someone else's emails....

I need a chain saw

I was washing my car yesterday, when a question was posed to me......"What is a Christian, really?" The answer.....at that time "One who believes in the Messiahship in Jesus.....He died for the redemption of our sins.....and rose again". Now, if this is as simple as it is, the question that followed was "Then why are you so damn judgmental" (I even curse when I'm thinking of these things, I'm an idiot).

I have begun to read C.S. Lewis' "Abolition of Man", and I appreciated the first few pages of him totally destroying some education materials put out by these authors for students of middle school age. I was tickled and joined in on the fun because there are so many little things that drive me crazy in this world, and they pretty much almost always come down to what I feel is HORRIBLE communication. Yet, as much as I loved him pointing out the ignorance of people, I am moved to wonder if my doing this in my own life is being concerened with things I ought not be. In my quest to be less wordly and more godly (okay...less wordly first, let's be honest), I find that perhaps a huge step is to not concern myself with what is going on in the world (to an extent of course). This being said-my judgmental attitude needs to seriously be examined from a new angle. Rather than looking at people as "just not there yet", I realize it's not up to me to look at people at all. If someone tells me they are a Christian-is my job to line them up with some sort of expectation of what a Chrisitan is. This does not count those that are professed leaders of course, because natrually we are to be watchful of who we follow. I guess, this whole idea follows with what I believe is wrong with "the church"....we are too concerned with which sins people are committing, when it doesn't necc. matter-in the long run.

My point-I'm a jerk. Second-it is my prayer that God will transform my heart into where I believe He is taking my mind. It is not for anyone else as such, but rather my own growth and life within Him.

A whole new world

I have discovered there is absolutely no way to prepare for having a child. Or, at least, not with a bunch of other crap going on. I thought I was more than ready to get back to work (don't get me wrong, I'm sooo happy), however, not having a clue that life was about to beat the crap out of me I just happily skipped back into the real world. In hindsight I should have been putting myself (and Ezzah) on some sort of schedule, cause we are both looking around like WTF!?

Ezzah spends all day at daycare, which she seems to LOVE. The people seem to really enjoy her, and are totally in awe that a 6 month old simply power naps through the day (20/30 min naps...2/3 times a day). She's definitely a handful in that regard, because once up....she's not one to spend a lot of time self-entertained.

I pick her up in the afternoon/evening, and I feel so guilty that I want only to hang out with her and spend some time. This leaves EVERYTHING else to wait....and then by the time she goes to bed (8), I am also exhausted. Don't get me wrong, I'm not whining here....my point...I was NO WAY prepared for this...and I'm incredibly disorganized at these days.

Ezzah is a doll, and I love watching her everyday. Her expressions, her newness of exploration, and her ability to demand of me what no one else could ever possibly......full attention. I'm going to need an illegal worker to keep everything in order if this continues!

All in a day's work

I have FINALLY found work. Two part time jobs. An income is an income most times, and I'm thankful for it. I'm not at McDonalds or any other fast food joint, so I'm happy about that too! (although I didn't find myself above that). Today we went and visited Ezzah's daycare. The one teacher that was there as late as we were was very nice and LOVED seeing Ezzah (who charmed her the whole time). The children in there are adorable! I'll admit, I'm a little nervous. As much as I pretend I'm not, there's a sneak of anxiety running through my stomach. I don't really fear she's going to end up screwed up or anything-I don't really know what it is actually. I guess it's part of the whole new motherhood thing. I try to keep myself above what I see a lot of new mother's go through-not that I think they are stupid-but I guess I feel I shouldn't be as nervous since I'm older and have had more experience around so many children. There is definately a difference when it's your own though isn't there? Maybe I worry about how she'll be treated, I'm not going to deny it's difficult caring for more than one child at a time, and sometimes children have worse days than other. I don't know how Ezzah will respond to being in a completely different environment, and if she doesn't react well-it's understandable they won't be able to spend the time with her that I have been. Perhaps this just means I'm normal. I don't feel my daughter requires or deserves anything better than any other child-AT ALL, and perhaps if she was older and a little more independent I wouldn't worry so much...she could occupy herself and such. At this point, she has whomever is caring for her to interact with.....I realize I sound like a freak-and I'm trying not to because I really don't think I'm freaking out. I'm simply having some anxiety and trying to figure it out. She's a good baby, and I believe there's a lot of good that can come of her being around other children...definitely. I guess I just hope she adjusts positively, and quickly!


I am glad for the work, and I'm glad to have found what seems like a good daycare. And I'm also glad to have found Ezzah a good Ped. The stress from mother-hood SUUUUCCCKKKSS though :)

www.apostlepaul.blogspot.com

If "Christianity" were taking off today, I don't believe we'd be reading the letters from Paul to the Ephesians. We'd be reading his daily blog as he traveled from country to country. While he was in prison his lawyers would be doing press conferences as to his daily status, and he'd be making collect phone calls to Barbara Walters to make sure that everyone knew what he was going through. It would be televised daily on Court TV as to what was happening to him. I don't believe this to be true only if he was in the U.S.,I've read some interesting blogs from people in Pakistan and Saudi Arabia.

This is what my behavior is based on. As Christians, a major part of our behavioral mindset is based on letters from one guy (Paul,Timothy, etc.) to a bunch of people. Letters to the editor have more audiences than these people's did, until the were published into what is now known as The New Testament. I'm not bashing my faith by any means. Matter of fact, it's not my faith I'm refering to specifically, rather the way in which we act out our faith. I can imagine how different preaching would be if the only thing "christians" had were the gospels and the "Old Testament". Most Christians don't even have an understanding what purpose the Old Testament serves.

So many times the Bible has been translated, yet while we've updated the language, we've not updated the leaders of faith. I'm not applying to do this job, just making an observation. If someone decided that we were going to replace the books following the gospels with more current teachings, I wonder who would make the list. First, we have a whole world now to enter the race. Second, I wonder what teachings would be obsolete Are there any Christians of any culture who would still tell women to keep their mouth's shut and ask their husbands any questions they had when they got home. Assuming of course it is only married women who go to church! Third, who would be accepted. While I mentioned the whole world could enter the race.....are there any mainstream teachers from across the globe respected in the U.S. We know it would be the U.S. that would spearhead this thing if it were to be respected! And HE would be a republican! We do have priorities.

If I look at my faith, I realize the only facts I would be willing to argue in some sort of court of law would be Jesus' 'Messiah-ship', and the story of His life and being in the gospels. I don't know that I find a lot of other things FACTS so much as advice for the current times of the spread of Christianity.


Jews, Christians, and Muslims all stake their lives on the same thing....faith. I have three keys on my key ring. One goes to my mother's car....it's a Chrysler, and the key has the Chrysler symbol...so there's no arguing what make of car it belongs to. The other two are copied house keys. They look very similar in shape. One opens the door to my mother's house, the other to my grandparents house. Only because I have used them enough do I know which goes where...but if you ask which goes where you would believe me assuming I know what I'm talking about. It's not until you were to actually open one of the doors would you personally know. I believe my faith is not like the car key, but like the house key. Thousands of years after the creation of the earth, thousands of years after the man we know as Jesus walked the earth, I'm sure I'm going to find out some things were not quite the way I've read them, but I will find out which key I hold. Metaphor aside, I live by faith.

A friend of mine said once, had she been born and raised in a different country she probably would not have grown up Christian...rather, perhaps a Muslim, or a Hindu. Everyone lives by faith, and at some point it becomes their own. Theirs to experience and share.

Playtime at Ezzah's new daycare

Confessions of a music lover

I was reminded recently what my intention for going to college was...I wanted to work in the record industry. No, seriously. I wanted to be the next great music guru in Christian music. No, I'm friggin serious. That got me thinking about how out of it I am on the music scene, unless it comes from India or Pakistan I just don't know what I used to. I was once someone who knew at least 80.775% of what was on the radio (my Friends would hit seek, and I knew pretty much everything). Now, well, I'm still living by my old standbys. Here are a few things to admit (or brag about).

Concerts I am ashamed I saw, but hey, they were popular:
Rick Astley, Boys 2 Men, McHammer, Color Me Bad

Concerts that I still relish:
PFR (more than once), U2 (at Wimbley Stadium, UK), Jal, DC Talk, Out of Eden, Clint Black, Beach Boys (hey, they were fun!)

One of the moments I'll never forget at a concert: (okay, two)
I took second place in a gargling contest before one of the concerts
Salmund Rushdie came out on stage at the U2 show

My radio weakness:
I can put scan on and listen to it for HOURS without getting annoyed. I've done this while driving cross country, it's fun.

Fav Christian cd's/bands (to name a few only):
Audio Adrenaline's "Bloom"/DC Talk "Jesus Freak and "Supernatural"/Grits/The Waiting/Chris Rice/POD/Raving Loonatics/Steve Taylor/Cindy Morgan/Nicole Nordamen/Rich Mullins/Lil Raskull

Fav non-Christian (a few):
Jal/Ali Zafar/Strings/DMB/James Taylor/Fleetwood Mac/Queen/Run DMC/Cranberries/Natalie Merchant/Dixie Chicks (before they got ousted)/Indian Film Songs/Almost all the "Afro-Celt Soundsytems" cd's


Okay...I'll admit.....I totally rocked out to Spice girls the other day!
zig a zig aaahhhh

Here's perhaps one of THE BEST re-makes of a song I've ever heard. I'm not a fan of them generally, but perhaps it's the magic that I think U2 is, or the blend of Ireland and the ghetto, but whatever...I love it!

Obviously I've learned to post video!

One of my favorite memories of Lahore is Basant. Lahore is so well-known for being "THE" place to be that the President spends Basant down there. Some of these pics are better than others, but it's a great job done by whomever did this. Also, the song is by a band called "Strings" and they are a favorite of mine. Lastly, a couple of my own photos, including our "action shot" looking out at the kites :)

An unknown music genius

Steven Taylor is perhaps one of the BEST lyricist in Christian music OF ALL TIME! He doesn't do much now in the forefront, but if you're a fan of anyone on Squint Entertainment...that's his label (or was). I could post every video of his, but I'll leave it to just this one (so far), because aside from the awesomeness of this song, the video is just wild! I know it's long, but it's worth the watch.

Blessed are the.....

Due to some recent meltdowns (however mellow), I have spent some time trying to get my head back on straight. I wish I could blame recent feelings on some chemical imbalance, but let's be real.....I am human and therefore I have an inherent sense of entitlement. What crap. I spend so much time noticing saw dust in others and ignore the fact I have a plank the size of New Jersey coming out of my own. I have taken stock of my life, and have determined it's unreal how incredibly blessed I am and have therefore began to repent for my stupidity. Below are rantings of the reality of my life (not in specific order):

1. I have a wonderful husband whom I am crazy about. There are many many women married and many many divorced from men who are complete jerks.....mine is not.

2. A year ago I didn't know if I was going to remain married. I had no idea where my life was going, except I was pregnant and pretty sick. Thanks only to God and His work I have been reconciled with my husband and we have an even improved relationship.

3. I am in now way lacking. I have a comfortable home, plenty of food, my daughter has a bed, plenty of food. I don't worry from day to day where I'm going to sleep, or if I'm going to get shot or bitten by someone or something where I live.

4. My daughter is healthy. She is happy. And she's REALLY funny.

5. I have remarkable friends and family whom I wouldn't miss so dearly if they weren't so awesome. My sister, my friends in California....they were a great support when I returned to the States. They were there when Ezzah was born, and even after. I probably WOULD have lost my mind without their support.

6. My mother, all our differences aside, has take monetary responsibility for me for over a year now. It is through her God has taken care of my financial needs.

7. THE MOST IMPORTANT: I have a God who loves me dearly, and a Messiah who died for my sins. They are a multitude and He has cleansed every one. My guidance, my foundation, my Truth are in Him. None of the above are true outside of the providence of God and His work.

It is my desire to; daily live within the understanding of all of the above, not allow myself to feel overwhelmed, for I know God will not give me more than I can handle, and be as useful for God's work as those around me have been.

FINALLY!

Jal's new song is absolutely beautiful, I'm so excited they are coming out with a new album. They are one of my favorite bands!!!

Anything but a flaming dr. pepper

As I sit here on my couch, my daughter screams as if she's being beaten all because she doesn't like to go to sleep. I don't know what the story behind it is, perhaps a friend of mine is right, at this age they are more aware of things, but sleep is an unsure occurrence. Whatever it is, I hope for the both of us she gets over it soon. I have become torn on how to deal with it. Many people are for the CIO (cry it out) approach, then there's support that says it's not the best thing. Hell, I don't know what to do, at this point I feel like what does it matter, I'm going to screw her up in one way or another. Honestly speaking, I truly truly wish I was in Pakistan. I realize to many people that would be a ridiculous statement, but the whole reason I didn't stay hasn't come to fruition, so I wonder day after day what the hell I'm doing here. Anywhere. I've gotten to the mindset that I'm not even sure why I ever got married. Not that there wasn't a time that my being here and him being there wasn't due to difficulties.....that period is a blink in the eye of my overall period of time with my husband. Yet, the time I've spent with my husband has been little to none, even before we were married. Every good intention turned into nothing; and here we are 2.5 years after we got engaged, living in separate countries. And for what? Neither one of us are serving our country, healing sick, discovering a cure for world famine, bringing peace and understanding to countries in conflict. Nope, we aren't doing a damn thing! So, there's no good reason for the separation, except we're incredibly stupid. My husband blames himself, sometimes I do too. In reality we are both just...incredibly stupid, and it brings to me again to the inquiry as to what the point of getting married was. I tend to forget how incredible my husband really is, what an amazing friendship we have, how much fun we have, etc. etc....all the reasons I did get married to him. But he's not here. Most times, I feel like he's just like the other distant friends I have. I wonder....maybe I'll see him again...maybe I won't. Then I feel bad for feeling bad. Who am I to whine and be upset? There are a lot worse situations out there. Women whose husband is facing death because he is of a minority religion in his country; men whose wives are serving abroad in the military (hey, it does happen although this country tends to forget); people who wake up everyday surprised there's not a mortar hole through their front room...or worse....they go to bed not sure if they'll wake up. I remember these things and I try to not feel badly about my own situation.
My daughter has finally fallen asleep
And I finish off a beer

I'm sorry, do I look like the friggin' Colonel

July 4th
Piggott, AR
Incredible heat and humidity
Me
Kitchen
Serving Chicken.....oh wait, we've run out
A lot of pissed off southerners

Piggott has it's quite famous picnic every year on the fourth. It's been a tradition in my family for at least 50 years to attend and help out. This year I joined my family in the kitchen where the fried chicken dinner is sold. Two pieces of chicken (your choice of white or dark) and a bunch of fixins. It's really a good dinner, and very southern. It's so popular that at 1030 there is a line of at least 60-70 people waiting for the 11 opening. The line never dwindles until well after 1. My cousin Alex (one of the coolest people on the planet) and I are in the front of the line, I'm doing the chicken and the potatoes/gravy he's doing the corn and the green beans. I must first add, the "chicken nazi" as we nicknamed her, was overly concerned that I would be able to handle doing both the chicken and the potatoes. A concern that about drove her mad. Due to the lack of volunteers she didn't have a choice, however. Alex assured her it would be okay......for 20 min she stared at me, and never fear there were no problems. I didn't put the chicken where the potatoes go, didn't poor the gravy over the chicken.....it all managed to go smoothly. Until.....WE RAN OUT OF FRIGGIN CHICKEN. Really, it was still cooking, but we couldn't keep up, but also they didn't start cooking early enough.(there were two people in the whole town who could turn on the cooker, one was in the hospital, one was laying under the tree.....time to train someone under 80 I think!) Let me tell you, having to announce there was no chicken for about 10-15 min to a crowd of hot and hungry rednecks is perhaps the scariest thing I've ever done (including being a white Christian chick in Pakistan). As they were gathering the rope and getting the hangin' tree ready I decided it wouldn't be a good idea to add I am a yankee and married to a foreigner. People were yelling and griping at me as if I personally have any control over the chicken crisis. I must say, it's good to be back in quiet Mt. Vernon where the only thing I have to worry about is making sure I get to Wal-Mart before they close........oh wait, it's open 24 hours...phew, cause you have to have a place to buy shampoo, a new cd, and a gallon of milk at 2am!

The one.....the only.....

Sara.....my sister. I have been blessed to have become close to a sister whom I didn't even know until I was 15, and didn't see again until 23. While I hadn't spent much time with her until this past year, the amount of time I was around was incredible and, quite frankly, life changing. That may sound a bit extreme, but my relationship with my brother was very different due to our upbringing and probably the fact we were raised together. All the missing years aside, I feel in my heart it's actually true when I say I have a sister. Everything I had heard from women who had sisters (good relationships I should say) including seeing the relationship my mother and her sister have, has given me an idea of what it means to have a sister......and I really feel like I do. She was an incredible sense of support and understanding over the last year. She became someone I could laugh, cry, and struggle with life in front of. I never imagined we would ever become as close as we have (or at least from my point of view). I am very thankful for the time I was able to spend with her and her familiy, and while I wish it could have lasted longer, I wish the circumstances would have allowed as such. It's nice, though, because I know we will keep in touch better now.

My life on the D-List

While I have always enjoyed moving and having the "new" of a new place/town/city, this recent move to Southern Illinois just doesn't have that same feeling. Really, it's been since last July when I returned to the states that relocating just didn't have that new car smell it used to. Perhaps because of the circumstances that brought me home last year, and the fact I have felt like I'm someones responsibility, while having someone as my responsibility. Also, returning to the states was not quite a "hey, I want to do this now", rather an "aww crap, now I gotta do this". Regardless of all the reasons behind it, fact is, I am incredibly lonely here in S. Illinois, and it has made me miss Usama all the more. All things aside from mine and Usama's issues last summer, we really are incredibly close.
I have moved so many times in my life, and as I get older, it gets more difficult from an emotional point of view because I have developed wonderful relationships over the last few years. With this current situation, however, I am not in a position to make friends, and therefore I miss my friends even more. I am attempting to adjust (my new favorite word), and hope this separation from Usama doesn't last much longer. While I know as Christians we are never "alone" yet can experience "loneliness"..and while I'm sure some people may or may not agree with this cliche, I see the point, and I am trying to keep this in mind.

Chocolate soy milk and raw spinach

Since control is my biggest issue (mentally), I've decided to take control of my second and third biggest issues. I have become disgusted with how lazy I have become and how bad my diet has become (okay, it wasn't great, except when I was overseas). I have made commitments to myself, to God, and to Ezzah to better myself. Since your physical, mental, and spiritual well-being tends to be connected......I figure it won't be easy, as each of these areas needs drastic overhaul; but I know it's possible. I have begun with first cutting caffeine to almost nill. Aside from chai (which I don't drink tons of, especially in the summer) I figure that the idea of also getting rid of sweets will also then take care of soda.....and therefore the caffeine thing will be dealt with. I'm not pretending I will never have a soda or something sweet from here on out...I'm not stupid.....but I know myself, and in order for anything to do any good I have to say "buss" (enough)....it's how I've managed to stop other bad habits. (mostly thanks to getting pregnant!) I have maintained the 'don't bring sweets into the house' rule. I'll not deny wishing I had something sometimes while I'm up late at night, but that's part of the problem isn't it. I've replaced eating cereal for random meals with raw spinach, eggs, and other more healthy foods. I've also begun my road to getting off of dairy. To get used to the taste of soy milk again I've got some chocolate soy milk. Now, I realize that's sweet, but I don't think it will do quite match up to ice cream or some other sweets that I could come up with. Plus, I don't expect I'll just sit down and drink several gallons of chocolate milk down! I don't expect any of this to be easy, but I'm attempting a lifestyle change rather than the latest diet. I've lived as such before, overseas......so I know it's possible. I know my body is not my own, and therefore I need to care for it appropriately.

Two babies

I am gone. I feel as if I'm learning life almost completely over again. I can no longer know I'll be somewhere at a certain time, no matter how hard I try. To be on time means to be quite early, or risk being late. Running to the store now takes FOREVER! (and that's if I decide going to the store is worth it). It's amazing to me, I am hardly the person I was a few months ago. I find myself trying desperately to hang on to certain things, but that is just getting silly. I love Ezzah, she makes me laugh.....most of the time. If I am wanting to do something, or get somewhere, or whatever......I almost get irritated...not with her...just over the loss of control. The parallel is I won't go to the store, or will leave sooner, if Ezzah is really tired or got woken up, or basically anything.....so, I want to do what I want, but I also won't put my daughter out, so there's even more control out the window. It's all part of adjusting to becoming a parent at 30,and not when I was looking for it. I was pretty set in my ways, and enjoying it. I'm learning to enjoy being a mother....and as Ezzah shows more personality, and learns/does something new I enjoy it more, and forget I'd like to go wonder around Wal-Mart for no reason. It's all an adjustment....and it's daily thing.

My personal fitness trainer

(Tv commercial for latest diet pill opening)
Are certain parts of your body a bigger problem? (my reply) YEAH, MY MOUTH!

When it comes to weight loss, the "after" picture of the fat guy is always what people hope to obtain. Of course on ALL of the commercials if you read the fine print it says "results not typical". Hmmmm. It seems that weight loss should be typical for diet pills!

I would love to take a pill and have a wonderful "after" picture. The fact of it all, I don't need to start taking pills, I need to stop taking resees peanut butter cups!!! While I have started walking in the evenings, it doesn't do much good if I'm walking myself up to the store to purchase a tasty coffee beverage. I don't do it all the time, but still, we're not looking to maintain a weight, we're looking to lose it.....

Guess I'll go do some baby reps. By that, I mean, I bench press my 17.5lb (she's just been weighed) baby....15 times, repeat 3x. Hey, whatever works!!!! and she LOVES it.

Let's get it started.......

Anyone who has had any conversation with me knows how hot I get when it comes to the illegal immigration issues that have been in our faces lately. I am quite opinionated when it comes to what I think about the situation. Depending on who you are....I sound like a crazy racist, or a lunatic.....maybe one or two people think I make any sense. Then, I watched this lady on C-SPAN2 today who makes me look more diplomatic than Jimmy Carter!

This woman is going on and on about the radical Islamic craziees in the world. She's got a lot of facts and figures HOWEVER...this lady is ready to not allow ANY Muslim in the country, and throw those that are already here into some sort of determent camp (she's not saying this specifically, but man, she's going nuts!) The amount of hate coming from her "educated" speech is amazing. While some of what she says is quite valid, she seems to think she's going to be able to get the govt. to stop the spread of radical Islam in this and any other country!

My thoughts through this speech are that no matter who you are or what religion, one can spread fear, hate, and irrational ideology very easily. Sometimes people get brushed off with only negatively affecting a few lives....others have an affect that ripples to thousands, million, or more. I am sadden we live in a world where people JUST can't seem to get along unless they look, think, and act alike......and then I wonder if that's not on purpose. From a spiritual scope of it (not to be obnoxious), the tower of babel was built, and the gospel reaching "every tribe and tongue" is thought to be a sign of the end times to most evangelical Christians. Which means God separated people, then made it a big deal when His word would reach from one people group to another despite language and geographical barriers. Therefore, in all my loving other cultures and people.....had man not been of conquering nature....would we even know each other the way we do now? I mean, would I be married to a Pakistani, or would my friend be half white, half Filipino, or another half Irish, half Mexican? Basically, aside from those carrying God's word, wouldpeople have come together.......therefore, is it inherent since the fall of man that we aren't going to get along?