As I sit here on my couch, my daughter screams as if she's being beaten all because she doesn't like to go to sleep. I don't know what the story behind it is, perhaps a friend of mine is right, at this age they are more aware of things, but sleep is an unsure occurrence. Whatever it is, I hope for the both of us she gets over it soon. I have become torn on how to deal with it. Many people are for the CIO (cry it out) approach, then there's support that says it's not the best thing. Hell, I don't know what to do, at this point I feel like what does it matter, I'm going to screw her up in one way or another. Honestly speaking, I truly truly wish I was in Pakistan. I realize to many people that would be a ridiculous statement, but the whole reason I didn't stay hasn't come to fruition, so I wonder day after day what the hell I'm doing here. Anywhere. I've gotten to the mindset that I'm not even sure why I ever got married. Not that there wasn't a time that my being here and him being there wasn't due to difficulties.....that period is a blink in the eye of my overall period of time with my husband. Yet, the time I've spent with my husband has been little to none, even before we were married. Every good intention turned into nothing; and here we are 2.5 years after we got engaged, living in separate countries. And for what? Neither one of us are serving our country, healing sick, discovering a cure for world famine, bringing peace and understanding to countries in conflict. Nope, we aren't doing a damn thing! So, there's no good reason for the separation, except we're incredibly stupid. My husband blames himself, sometimes I do too. In reality we are both just...incredibly stupid, and it brings to me again to the inquiry as to what the point of getting married was. I tend to forget how incredible my husband really is, what an amazing friendship we have, how much fun we have, etc. etc....all the reasons I did get married to him. But he's not here. Most times, I feel like he's just like the other distant friends I have. I wonder....maybe I'll see him again...maybe I won't. Then I feel bad for feeling bad. Who am I to whine and be upset? There are a lot worse situations out there. Women whose husband is facing death because he is of a minority religion in his country; men whose wives are serving abroad in the military (hey, it does happen although this country tends to forget); people who wake up everyday surprised there's not a mortar hole through their front room...or worse....they go to bed not sure if they'll wake up. I remember these things and I try to not feel badly about my own situation.
My daughter has finally fallen asleep
And I finish off a beer
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