Blessed are the.....

Due to some recent meltdowns (however mellow), I have spent some time trying to get my head back on straight. I wish I could blame recent feelings on some chemical imbalance, but let's be real.....I am human and therefore I have an inherent sense of entitlement. What crap. I spend so much time noticing saw dust in others and ignore the fact I have a plank the size of New Jersey coming out of my own. I have taken stock of my life, and have determined it's unreal how incredibly blessed I am and have therefore began to repent for my stupidity. Below are rantings of the reality of my life (not in specific order):

1. I have a wonderful husband whom I am crazy about. There are many many women married and many many divorced from men who are complete jerks.....mine is not.

2. A year ago I didn't know if I was going to remain married. I had no idea where my life was going, except I was pregnant and pretty sick. Thanks only to God and His work I have been reconciled with my husband and we have an even improved relationship.

3. I am in now way lacking. I have a comfortable home, plenty of food, my daughter has a bed, plenty of food. I don't worry from day to day where I'm going to sleep, or if I'm going to get shot or bitten by someone or something where I live.

4. My daughter is healthy. She is happy. And she's REALLY funny.

5. I have remarkable friends and family whom I wouldn't miss so dearly if they weren't so awesome. My sister, my friends in California....they were a great support when I returned to the States. They were there when Ezzah was born, and even after. I probably WOULD have lost my mind without their support.

6. My mother, all our differences aside, has take monetary responsibility for me for over a year now. It is through her God has taken care of my financial needs.

7. THE MOST IMPORTANT: I have a God who loves me dearly, and a Messiah who died for my sins. They are a multitude and He has cleansed every one. My guidance, my foundation, my Truth are in Him. None of the above are true outside of the providence of God and His work.

It is my desire to; daily live within the understanding of all of the above, not allow myself to feel overwhelmed, for I know God will not give me more than I can handle, and be as useful for God's work as those around me have been.

FINALLY!

Jal's new song is absolutely beautiful, I'm so excited they are coming out with a new album. They are one of my favorite bands!!!

Anything but a flaming dr. pepper

As I sit here on my couch, my daughter screams as if she's being beaten all because she doesn't like to go to sleep. I don't know what the story behind it is, perhaps a friend of mine is right, at this age they are more aware of things, but sleep is an unsure occurrence. Whatever it is, I hope for the both of us she gets over it soon. I have become torn on how to deal with it. Many people are for the CIO (cry it out) approach, then there's support that says it's not the best thing. Hell, I don't know what to do, at this point I feel like what does it matter, I'm going to screw her up in one way or another. Honestly speaking, I truly truly wish I was in Pakistan. I realize to many people that would be a ridiculous statement, but the whole reason I didn't stay hasn't come to fruition, so I wonder day after day what the hell I'm doing here. Anywhere. I've gotten to the mindset that I'm not even sure why I ever got married. Not that there wasn't a time that my being here and him being there wasn't due to difficulties.....that period is a blink in the eye of my overall period of time with my husband. Yet, the time I've spent with my husband has been little to none, even before we were married. Every good intention turned into nothing; and here we are 2.5 years after we got engaged, living in separate countries. And for what? Neither one of us are serving our country, healing sick, discovering a cure for world famine, bringing peace and understanding to countries in conflict. Nope, we aren't doing a damn thing! So, there's no good reason for the separation, except we're incredibly stupid. My husband blames himself, sometimes I do too. In reality we are both just...incredibly stupid, and it brings to me again to the inquiry as to what the point of getting married was. I tend to forget how incredible my husband really is, what an amazing friendship we have, how much fun we have, etc. etc....all the reasons I did get married to him. But he's not here. Most times, I feel like he's just like the other distant friends I have. I wonder....maybe I'll see him again...maybe I won't. Then I feel bad for feeling bad. Who am I to whine and be upset? There are a lot worse situations out there. Women whose husband is facing death because he is of a minority religion in his country; men whose wives are serving abroad in the military (hey, it does happen although this country tends to forget); people who wake up everyday surprised there's not a mortar hole through their front room...or worse....they go to bed not sure if they'll wake up. I remember these things and I try to not feel badly about my own situation.
My daughter has finally fallen asleep
And I finish off a beer

I'm sorry, do I look like the friggin' Colonel

July 4th
Piggott, AR
Incredible heat and humidity
Me
Kitchen
Serving Chicken.....oh wait, we've run out
A lot of pissed off southerners

Piggott has it's quite famous picnic every year on the fourth. It's been a tradition in my family for at least 50 years to attend and help out. This year I joined my family in the kitchen where the fried chicken dinner is sold. Two pieces of chicken (your choice of white or dark) and a bunch of fixins. It's really a good dinner, and very southern. It's so popular that at 1030 there is a line of at least 60-70 people waiting for the 11 opening. The line never dwindles until well after 1. My cousin Alex (one of the coolest people on the planet) and I are in the front of the line, I'm doing the chicken and the potatoes/gravy he's doing the corn and the green beans. I must first add, the "chicken nazi" as we nicknamed her, was overly concerned that I would be able to handle doing both the chicken and the potatoes. A concern that about drove her mad. Due to the lack of volunteers she didn't have a choice, however. Alex assured her it would be okay......for 20 min she stared at me, and never fear there were no problems. I didn't put the chicken where the potatoes go, didn't poor the gravy over the chicken.....it all managed to go smoothly. Until.....WE RAN OUT OF FRIGGIN CHICKEN. Really, it was still cooking, but we couldn't keep up, but also they didn't start cooking early enough.(there were two people in the whole town who could turn on the cooker, one was in the hospital, one was laying under the tree.....time to train someone under 80 I think!) Let me tell you, having to announce there was no chicken for about 10-15 min to a crowd of hot and hungry rednecks is perhaps the scariest thing I've ever done (including being a white Christian chick in Pakistan). As they were gathering the rope and getting the hangin' tree ready I decided it wouldn't be a good idea to add I am a yankee and married to a foreigner. People were yelling and griping at me as if I personally have any control over the chicken crisis. I must say, it's good to be back in quiet Mt. Vernon where the only thing I have to worry about is making sure I get to Wal-Mart before they close........oh wait, it's open 24 hours...phew, cause you have to have a place to buy shampoo, a new cd, and a gallon of milk at 2am!

The one.....the only.....

Sara.....my sister. I have been blessed to have become close to a sister whom I didn't even know until I was 15, and didn't see again until 23. While I hadn't spent much time with her until this past year, the amount of time I was around was incredible and, quite frankly, life changing. That may sound a bit extreme, but my relationship with my brother was very different due to our upbringing and probably the fact we were raised together. All the missing years aside, I feel in my heart it's actually true when I say I have a sister. Everything I had heard from women who had sisters (good relationships I should say) including seeing the relationship my mother and her sister have, has given me an idea of what it means to have a sister......and I really feel like I do. She was an incredible sense of support and understanding over the last year. She became someone I could laugh, cry, and struggle with life in front of. I never imagined we would ever become as close as we have (or at least from my point of view). I am very thankful for the time I was able to spend with her and her familiy, and while I wish it could have lasted longer, I wish the circumstances would have allowed as such. It's nice, though, because I know we will keep in touch better now.

My life on the D-List

While I have always enjoyed moving and having the "new" of a new place/town/city, this recent move to Southern Illinois just doesn't have that same feeling. Really, it's been since last July when I returned to the states that relocating just didn't have that new car smell it used to. Perhaps because of the circumstances that brought me home last year, and the fact I have felt like I'm someones responsibility, while having someone as my responsibility. Also, returning to the states was not quite a "hey, I want to do this now", rather an "aww crap, now I gotta do this". Regardless of all the reasons behind it, fact is, I am incredibly lonely here in S. Illinois, and it has made me miss Usama all the more. All things aside from mine and Usama's issues last summer, we really are incredibly close.
I have moved so many times in my life, and as I get older, it gets more difficult from an emotional point of view because I have developed wonderful relationships over the last few years. With this current situation, however, I am not in a position to make friends, and therefore I miss my friends even more. I am attempting to adjust (my new favorite word), and hope this separation from Usama doesn't last much longer. While I know as Christians we are never "alone" yet can experience "loneliness"..and while I'm sure some people may or may not agree with this cliche, I see the point, and I am trying to keep this in mind.