shE.E.

my surprise two months after marriage, and my blessing 9 months later

the pat (slap) on the face declaring 'i need a waffle momma' on a Saturday morning

ever ready at the end of a long day when I'm at the end of my rope to see what I have left in me

my little compulsive toddler, who won't listen through the end of a bedtime prayer if the door is even cracked "close the door momma, close the door momma, the door is open momma, close the door momma"

a smile that provides me with a burst of energy no amount of caffeine could

eyes that shine as bright as the night stars, and remind me sweetly, sadly, of her dad

a laugh, even when fake, can bring out joy in anyone who hears it

a constant 'why momma' that is not defiant or rebellious in any way-rather a true desire to understand what is going on, proven by the fact she will repeat the information later when the situation repeats itself

the ever comforting, holding up to her name-sake, with a ready "it'll be okay" and a hug for any person in need

the sneeker of smiles when she's supposed to be pouting (drama queen)

the broadway diva twirling in her dress singing "dancing queen"

the bolloywood diva dancing to the latest (or greatest) movie song all while trying to learn the steps

the lover of books, photography, great music, and great food

the fighter of bedtime cuddled in my arms, and the foot in my back in he middle of the night

who has her mother's inherent love of ice cream and talking

who has her father's ability to eat spices and prefers to take things easy

who has taught me patience, understanding, and how to no longer be on time for anything she is going to

and while I know if the Lord has the days in store for us, we will one day try to find the common ground between the bikini she wants to wear and the burkah I have laid out for her

and while we will most likely not listen to the same music or speak the same language, as most teenagers and parents do not;

I hope that ShE.E. will hold on to the values being taught her today, remember those who love her dearly, and keep the love for life she possesses

The truth of the truth

As I continue to explore the directives we believers/Christians/Hebrews...pick one....were given, the more it is evident the doctrine being spread in the church today is sad and scary. I am one of the guilty of spreading this false doctrine, so this is in no way a judgment toward people, I am in fact severely humbled and repent daily of my shortcomings and many times poor witness.

While I am no scholar, the issues are apparently obvious due to the fact we have a constant search for truth by those who suggest they believe it. Our hearts, minds, and spirits continue to be parched because regardless if it's a church pew or a gymnasium folding chair-where there is salt water there is still thirst.

One of the major issues we face is the plain fact we are not attempting to be separate/holy. This is perhaps one of the cornerstones of the true doctrine of God. We can see this by the fact a specific people were chosen and they were given the laws by which to live. These were not given to all of humanity, nor were they ever changed when the gentiles were the target audience. From "old" to "new" testament it has always been, and always will be the "law" for the children of Israel and the alien who lives among them. Hence whey we gentile believers are GRAFTED into the vine.

And this idea that the church has become blind is not even something newly born. The very people who were waiting on Moses to return (and when he did he had the very instructions from YHWH/God) were down at the bottom of the mountain running crazy around some golden calf! The fact is, humans have regularly disregarded the Lord and the ways of the most high. We see this through the history of the Israelites-but it was always repentance and the word being sought which brought about the grace and blessings from the Lord. Always the people managed to stray, always they managed to repent (and generally when the pain from their sin was evident), and always was the Lord faithful with forgiveness and instruction. From cover to cover this is the way it has worked. If it has worked for the chosen people and the gentiles before us, it will surely do wonders for the church today.

Now, the idea that believers are called to be separate isn't highly disputed in the church from my experience. Rather, the church seems to have slowly but surely changed the definition of separate. Whether out of confusion, convenience, or compromise-fact is it is just wrong and needs to be repented of. Even as I write this I can name a number of ways I have not yet separated myself, but I'm working on that, and daily I pray for spirit to convict me when I'm blurring the line, and for adonai to point out things I am not yet aware. As I said, this is not a judgment as we are all guilty and fall short. It is by simply reading the charge to the people of Israel and Paul's writings as well as examining the true life Yeshua/Jesus led, I can find the needle in the haystack of lies which have piled up. This is the key though, isn't it? The truth has been, and is, and will always be right there within the book I read. The church needs to go back to reading. We need to go back to what was really going on before the 1st/2nd generation church began to slip. We need to stop believing the lies which have been passed down from generation to generation which tells us the sabbath is no longer holy, that Yeshua changed the way we are to serve YHWH, and we can essentially live as close to the world as we want so long as we at some point are willing to SAY we believe in Yeshua Messiah. It is a very scary, dangerous, and painful path the church is on and I thank God the call to repentance is being heard loud and clear by Jew and Gentile.

As we know it

Muslims, Jews, and Christians alike all have an "end times" scenario. All are fairly similar in text. All include wars, famine, and all-around craziness. Therefore, as people react to things such as suicide bombings, launched rockets, and military strikes from one nation to another....those who say they believe in their religion ought, then to be able to take acceptance in the events of today.

On one hand, I am saddened and outraged at the violence which is taking place in many parts of the world. The human side of me hates to see it, wants political interference to bring diplomacy and understanding to involved parties. Yet, the spiritual side of me says that although it's a travesty, it's going to happen....and get worse.

Looking at things from a spiritual point of view can be the "easy" way out to some people. To simply shrug one's shoulders and accept what's going on makes people think you don't care. It can also be boring. No offense, but analyzing situations, trying to find ways to if not solve than defuse a situation, and the energy spent conversing with people can all be rather mentally stimulating. However, even that brings no change does it. To sit and argue or discuss who is and who is not at fault, discuss who should be doing what is fun and at times engaging....but the end result is still the same. Regardless of looking through the world through spiritual or worldly eyes, 99.99% of us in the world can only do the following: respect and love our neighbors, care for the poor/widows/orphans, and pray. We only have the ability to live OUR lives properly, and only have the ability to show people G-d by love and patience.

It is my hope, for 2009 and however much time I have left...that I will not focus on the why's, who's, and how's...because quite frankly none of that is in my control. And regardless of who I would believe is at fault, I'm still commanded to love them anyway.
And if it is all bound to happen...then only my blood pressure and attitude toward others can be ruined. Better for me to be a light in the world than a raging fire.

Regardless of what is going on in one part of the world or another-those who will commit heinous acts will do so with my disapproval, or my understanding. And they will be judged accordingly...just as I will if I don't obey what I've been commanded to do.

a new...old...tradition

I've freaked out quite a few people lately with two declarations; first, I am no longer celebrating Christmas, and second I will begin celebrating Hanukkah this year. The first wasn't the most shocking as I've pretty much always been disgusted by the materialism and nastiness that comes forth this time of year-but I had always enjoyed being with friends/family which is also a result of the holiday season. However, my stance on no longer celebrating Christmas is directly related to my choosing to celebrate Hanukkah.

I wouldn't call myself "Jewish" in the culturally understood sense of the word, and I wouldn't say I've "converted" exactly. If you've read my previous post you will understand, however, where I am (or at least understand I'm in a process). My decision has to do with celebrating with family. When we accept Christ we are told we are now "grafted in the vine"...we have, in essence, been adopted into God's chosen people. We are now part of a bigger family. Which, in itself is incredibly exciting! So, while Hanukkah isn't one of the celebrations dictated by God, it is one which my "family" commonly celebrates-and it's one that it seems Jesus celebrated (and again, if it's good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for his followers). Perhaps I don't HAVE to celebrate it, it's just a celebration of a historical event which I'm still learning and understanding about. And, like Christmas, it can fall into the a category of materialism and nastiness if one chooses. I don't choose that.

I have been part of a family in another culture. I know what it's like to be included in events, celebrations, customs which I am not accustomed to in my "whiteness". I know the excitement of being asked to be part of something which traditionally doesn't include outsiders; not because they aren't welcome, but rather because they usually aren't around or interested. Being brought into some one's family and accepted as one of their own is exciting, and a learning experience. When I was in Pakistan I learned I enjoyed wearing shalwar kameese, I found new foods, music, and various other cultural institutions which I thoroughly enjoyed. How much greater to be adopted into God's people!? For all of my pride in my Pakistani experience, I should (and do) have a greater pride in learning who I truly am by being a "Christian". Celebrating Hanukkah is simply celebrating with my family-and learning to be included in their ways. Not celebrating Christmas, I believe, is being obedient to God's desire for us to not be like the world. Not to adopt celebrations and customs which are anti-God (having learned that just about EVERYTHING in the "Christmas" celebration derives from pagan celebrations and the real reason someone decided Jesus was born on Dec. 25th was more because Christians wanted something to do themselves during this time of year rather than be set-apart as commanded.

I like what the author of "Restoration" has to say (I can't remember his name right now). To sum it up, he says it's not about pointing a finger at the "church", rather it's just time for the "church" to understand where we come from and where we belong and to right the wrongs which have become our faith. I surely believe that and I'm not running around forbidding my folks to put up their Christmas stuff-and I haven't become some crazy lady at work when they put up the decorations. More because I've always accepted I live in the world and things will happen around me which I differ of opinions on-and that's okay (despite what you may think :) ) I am, however, excited and encouraged about what I've been learning and where I believe God is taking me. I'm excited to start a new tradition, especially with Ezzah. I'm excited to learn more about the history of the family I've been adopted into.

I'm currently finishing up a book which gives a really good historical account of the season...and let me tell you...not only is Jesus NOT the reason, but He would have nothing to do with what's going on in the "church" by all accounts. Rather, he was (and most likely be) at a synagogue.

Some are still a little freaked out, some will disagree, and some will not be surprised...but all in all-Happy Holidays

Fog lifted

About a year or so ago I was introduced to understanding how to live "Torah observant". This meaning as a Christian, we are meant to live according to the Law (or instruction) as pointed out by God in the "old testament". At first, I was interested in learning of this mindset-then as I began to study I found that this is NOTHING NEW! Matter of fact, it's how Jesus lived, it's how the disciples who walked with Him were trained, how they were told to go forth, and how the immediate believers in the Messiah also lived. So, seemed like there was no question.

And there's not, in my mind.

The only question which has come to mind are
1) How did I not figure this out (my answer to myself is I wasn't studying the Bible as I should have been, or I probably would have noted certain things)

Other than that, there's just pure joy and enlightenment. I don't mean the kind when you read a verse and although it's been in front of you a hundred times, it suddenly speaks out....no, it's the kind of enlightenment where I have found that IT ALL makes sense (pretty much). This is because until now I was reading it through the wrong mentality. We today can thank history to where we have arrived, but of course I believe we have no excuse to not move in the right direction.

What I've noticed, also, is it's not too hard. Aside from remembering this and that which comes with learning anything-I don't feel overwhelmed or completely bogged down by trying to figure things out. There's nothing to figure out....less to interpret or try to fit into my understanding. This is not because I'm some brain or deep thinker, rather...because I believe this is just how it's meant to be and when we are told the yolk is easy.....it is.

Lastly, I have a theory that perhaps the reason why the "church" has become so broken, so confused, constantly trying to find "it" is because the "church" is not going to find contentment until it comes BACK to the way God set things up. And that's pretty clear when you read how the Israelites wondered....and wondered...and wondered. We aren't, I believe, meant to "fit" into society, we aren't meant to try to find the latest, greatest slogan, time to worship, way to worship, hair cut, clothing style....and everything else. The church has spent too much time trying to fit the secular into the faith and has forgotten we are meant to be set apart. I believe also, perhaps, if we were to go back to the way set out for us we wouldn't have the struggles we do within ourselves. Again, the parallel between the Israelites and us is amazing. When we aren't following in God's plan, we are going to be wondering.

There are many, many verses, examples, etc. which can (and probably should be) quoted. But the one and best example I feel necessary is the fact that it was good enough for our Savior. He followed the ways of the Torah....and therefore seems if I'm meant to try to be like him, I should live as He did, or at least as He taught us to (since I am not perfect and never will be)

I am still learning about this, but I'm just in awe at how much it all fits. We are said to be grafted in the vine...and like in any scenario where one is coming into a a different culture there is much to be learned, but when you are with family-it's all good.

No other gods

My recent political decisions has, among other things, risen quite a concern with those whom I've spoken to. While I don't walk around offering my opinion unsolicited, when asked who I will vote for, and I say "no one" and when asked "why" I tell them "because I don't believe it's my place" WAH!? As the sign outside the Baptist church, and the guy on the radio said-if Christians don't vote we will face the consequences. Hhmmmm. I live in a society which feels that this country is only valuable if it lives by, pick a version, Biblical standards. Most people I come across seem to be Americans who are Christian. This concerns me. Many feel it is our duty to protect our country by making sin illegal. Of course, this is all based on which sin they are most concerned with. In a statement, I believe Christians are not meant to be part of what is going on in the land beyond sharing the gospel and loving their neighbor. I believe the Bible is explicit about the idea of God's people and their roles on the earth. I also believe when Christians decide their job is not in the government, they may start doing a better job in the Church. Far too long has the government been covering the slack of the Church. Here's where I find my evidence:

1. The Israelites were given the priests and had their "government" set before them by God. The leaders were chosen in the way God deemed proper. Then, the people demanded a King "just like the other guys" until God finally relented. Despite His warnings....they just had to be like the other guys. We can look throughout history and see how this has essentially done the people of the Lord no good what so ever.

2. Not even the Messiah was brought in as a political/military leader. THE SAVIOR OF ALL MANKIND WAS NOT A POLITICIAN! Isn't this amazing. It was, rather, someone who focused on behavior, relationship, teaching, loving, healing, listening, feeding...etc. etc. Obviously this can't be done through political/military rule, not sufficiently anyway-because I bet God knew what He was doing.

3. We are commanded to not only take the word into the world, but the disciples were also told that if someone did not listen, shake the dust from their sandals (obviously none of this is in quotations). There is not one mention of "go into a town and demand laws to form a sinless nation". Perhaps because God knew that wouldn't work?

4. We are commanded to be set apart. I don't believe this simply means don't use naughty words and watch nasty TV (and go to Church every other night of the week). If one studies the "Old Testament" and sees where this concept comes from, it's quite apparent that the people of the Lord are meant to be concerned with living for him, not being concerned with what's going on on the outside.

5. Just because a law legalizes something, doesn't mean the believer has to do it! Therefore, it stands to argue that just because laws get passed doesn't mean one's faith has to suffer. We are going to change people's lifestyles simply by passing some law, it just means they'll live it/do it differently......but they'll still live it.


6. Once we begin taking the way the rights of people in a "free" country, we head down a road which will lead to our own rights being taken away. If you begin saying that voting based on religious ground is acceptable, once the Christian is no longer the majority, guess what? Don't come crying when you have to wear a scarf, or can't wear a cross.

7. If you want the government to stay out of the Church, don't put the Church in the government. Just as the government forefathers which so many people like to quote (although they rarely really can) were not all quite the brand of Christianity many of the evangelicals would believe in and/or approve of...neither are all of the politicians...so why on earth would you put your faith in their hands? The Church has a job, and it's not in the government.

8. Even if it leads to losing our "rights"...the fact is, we are not promised rights, we are actually told to praise God when persecuted in Jesus name. Evangelical Christians in America have been spoiled beyond belief. This isn't for lack of energy. They've managed to prosecute, kill, chase away, and force change from virtually any group who believes something slightly different than their version. (again, even some of their beloved forefathers would fall into this by today's standards). We are the majority because we have forcefully made sure of that.

9. It's what the forefather's wanted. For those who just can't get over what the founding fathers intended....they intended to be able to worship as they pleased....(see # 7) (and not pay taxes on sugar)

My list could go on, but I won't continue for the moment. Mainly because I'm quite sleepy. I do believe we are commanded to follow the laws of the land, and I am not saying I am in hope of losing my ability to worship when/where I want.....but if I lose that right by man...that won't change what I do. Goes both ways.

The next victim

http://www.indianexpress.com/news/lahore-cultural-capital-to-taliban-territory/378300/0

I am saddened. I said for the last few years I never belied Lahorees could allow the Taliban (or the like) to have any control over them. They like their hookah, movies, shopping, and arts too much. Yet, the last few months there has been story after story of the recent attack on the souls of such a wonderful city. I am taken to a place of curiosity as to how/why this could be happening, as in the past people have managed to let the strong minded know they are not interested in this dirty, nasty brand of their religion. What has changed? Have doors opened thanks to the "democracy" which brought in the bandits and thieves of the past (and, er, um, wife murders). Is this what happens when a "dictator" is taken out office, is it time to ponder if a military leader in a dangerous state isn't something to consider. Or, perhaps it is the rising cost of living and the inability for the basic necessities to be obtained by an even greater number of people than before? Is it the desperation of a society who has been facing constant power failure, job losses (due a lot to decreasing global interest) and new detachment from a society (the U.S.) which they felt for at least a short amount of time could offer some assistance? Or, is it a generation which became so materialistic and more concerned with which concert or fashion show is next they forgot the people in the land they live around and are now being slapped in the face by those who are both morally opposed, and some I assume are jealous. (let's face it, there is a HUGE amount of people belonging to the moral police who themselves would make satan look like mother Teresa).

Whatever the reasons to why things have gotten to the place they are, I believe they are not too far gone and the people of not only Lahore, but also Pakistan, can turn their country around. It will take the politicians, police, and the elite getting their heads out of the ground and call a time-out on the corruption world series in order to put the country and people first. It will also take the military realizing that what part they did play in all the training in the past (which they've admitted too) has turned around to bite them on the ass. While the people committing these atrocities now are not the same folk, they are most likely being trained (brainwashed) by those directly or indirectly associated with those of the previous movement.

Since Afghanistan offers a perfect and very real understanding as to what can happen when you think the craziees have the right ideas, I believe at least SOME people in Pakistan will indeed take up martial arts, guns, stones, whatever it takes to protect themselves (see article)-however in a country which has won trophies for their protests/riots it could lend to unimaginable and inevitable deterioration of a country already on the brink of disaster on other fronts. I miss Lahore, but I regret I'll be missing the Lahore I USED to know. To all those stuck there, and to all those who have no idea they are about to be pistol whipped....my prayers and thoughts are with them.

Supposed lightweight

If you have the USA network on for even 5 min a day you see the constant advertisment for the show about the chick who was divorced and is moving on with her life. I don't recall the name of it, but it's got Debra Messing as well as a large well-known cast. Seeing these commercials, and being remindng about just about every other broken heart movie....I'm noticing a pattern, and realizing I as usual have a very different take on a particular concept. Healing from a broken heart is a personal matter. People have different scenarios in life which lead to a saddness they never believed htey could feel. Perhaps it's a death in the family, a break up with a partner, or the loss of a child.....most will say they never thought they'd feel that kind of pain-and for a moment or more thought they'd never feel better. Of course, eventually most people do heal. Some take longer than others, but they get there. What's interestng to me is what seems to be the blanket understanding of what "he/she's finally able to move on" means in regards to a breakup/divorce. I wonder why the point at which many will feel someone has healed from such an occurance it's when that person is now dating again. I realize this may not be how people in real life believe and it's a misrepresentation in the name of entertainment....but I lean on the side that this representation is fairly accurate. Why is this? Is it that inherant belief in most people that we all have to be with someone to be happy or normal? Perhaps they are judging life as a whole based on their own lives....and they would not feel whole or healed until they were with another person.

I really started to think about this tonight as I was listening to a fairly new album by a Pakisani band "Fuzon" for the first time. I had been wanting to hear it since I read about it while still abroad, but never got around to it, and online is now the only chance I have. As the first song wound it's way through my mind I REALLY missed Pakistan and my life there. The lead singer has (compared at least to American singers) a very distinct sound, and as he gently delivered word and melody my mind was taken back to listening to their first album with my family and various experiences where such enjoyment was taking place. All in all I do alright with my newly permanent status, honestly more because of the complete change in scenery and nothing here to specifically remind me of anything-but listening to what I find to be a really great album I realize I'm not quite where I thought I was and perhaps I need to take time to get to where I'd like to be. I do know, however, it won't be dating which tells me I've "moved on". I think perhaps being able to fully enjoy one of my many favorite Pakistani bands, or watch one of my many favorite Bollywood DVD's and enjoy it pain-free will tell me I'm set. However, I will ALWAYS await excitedly every week for my weekend conversation with my ex mother in law....I pray to never move on from those.

A role for a pro

I have taken the same steps throughout my lifetime. Granted, it's only been 31 years. I wonder if this is the same for everyone-or do people's lives change so drastically it's as if they've learned a whole knew way to walk.

Don't get me wrong-this is not a pity entry. I'm not whining, it's merely something I've noticed. At first, I thought my life was full of adventure. I liked to think that I was always embarking on something new because I was just that wild and crazy gal desiring and willing to try something....ANYTHING. I have recently realized that I have simply followed in the footsteps left by my parents. This is shocking and a bit disturbing, but I believe good has and will come out of it.

Lately I have seen the one thing I never wanted too badly end in ruins. What is most distracting about this is that it's true that sometimes you don't know how great something is until you've lost it. For me, it was not knowing how great something was until I had it and was quite happy-and then I lost it and am still a bit stunned. I will admit I've lost a bit of who I was in the process. Somewhere over the vast mountains and oceans I have been flying over lays pieces of what made me ambitious, a thinker, a dreamer. I find myself almost mentally lazy now. I have one goal-to take care of my daughter. I do everything in my power to not think of anything else. This includes great amounts of T.V. watching to keep myself distracted by what I am feeling, thinking...and, at times, regretting. I've never believed regret was healthy, I still don't, but it's there and I must avoid it at all costs. Keeping my mind silent keeps me from realizing how much I miss my life, my friends, my family, even some of myself.

These are the steps of my parents...these are the steps I've been taking my whole life without trying. The steps of constant failure. The steps of not holding something together. The steps of being consistently inconsistent. I am amazed as I look back down the path of my life, and now I wonder if I can avoid those prints left before me or if they are my destiny.

It's more than the suits and chinese rice

I have met so many women who have the "typical" mother-in-law relationship with their husband's mother. I have also met many Pakistani women who have their own version of a "typical" mother-in-law relationship with their own. I am sad for them. All of them. I don't know how they manage, but I guess since it seems universal to have some 'typical' relationship I guess it's a universal acceptance. My experience with marriage has turned out to be pretty shotty, but my experience with my mother in law has been (and continues to be) something which almost leaves me speechless.

From the moment I met Tahera Rauf she was the most hospitable and caring person. When she was just "aunty" she looked out for my safety, my diet (made me non-spicy food), and shared a lot of great moments with me. When she became "ammi" she was all of that, and more. Her support, willingness to listen, and the wonderful times of going out and about became as important to me during my stay in Pakistan than anything else. While I would not have chosen to stay in Pakistan long term, the situation demanded and being with her made it much easier. Obviously we don't agree on EVERYTHING, but those times have been few and far between that our disagreements caused any sort of issue, and never have they caused bitterness of any kind.

How this woman has managed to maintain her sanity in the last couple of years with all the garbage going on around her has amazed me. A woman of more determination and strength than I think she is even aware of; she shows me daily that patience is key to handling anything! She has supported me, cared for me, and been there for me more than I have time to explain. While the sadness of losing her as my mother-in-law sets in regularly, I am always reminded that she never really has been my "mother in law", rather, my Pakistani mother-and that can not be changed by someone else.

SAY CHEESE!

Now, I work in the "country", for all you southerners you can understand just what that means. Working in the country lends to some advantages: away from congested traffic, air is not so polluted, and you feel like you can move! That being said, there are some....interesting.....things about working in the country, and here's one of them. I don't mean the bicycle come sunglass hut, rather I'm talking about the random livestock. I don't feel out of place when I notice a cow here or a sheep there because in the country you get all kinds of animals crossing the roads. Where Pakistan is unique in my experiences, however, is the random livestock aren't so random! It is normal everyday life to share a park, the road, even a dip in the canal (for those who swim in it) with everything from sheep to water buffalo.

Yes, I purchased sunglasses from the man on the bicycle. That was the intent of the stop on the way home-the cows just made for a great photo moment!

M.M.M.

On the way to and from work I get my daily dose of co2, among other agents which I'm convinced are NOT on the recommended daily allowances, and I am reminded I am the one who wanted a motorcycle sooo badly. Idiot. It is just a small piece of evidence that thinking what would be such a great thing to have or do is not always as it seems. For the most part, though, I LOVE my bike. Her name is Maggie...the Metro Motorcycle-Metro being the brand name.

My observances on the bike are quite different than those when I was driving a car. Traffic in Lahore is not just bad it's WRETCHED! People have NO concern for anyone other than themselves on the road. While in a car you have a little bit of "too bad for you" to push your weight around-and even then that's dependent on the size of your car (and horn). It's a perfect case study for "survival of the fittest". The bigger vehicle on the road, the more likely you're going to get where you want...and how you want. The smaller vehicle, the more likely someone feels you dare share their road. If you are in a Land Rover..you rule. You can honk and sway about through traffic at remarkable speeds-and who is going to get into your way. If you are a Honda City or a Toyota Corolla you are second to push others around. And so goes the chain.....so, if you're a motorcycle, forget it, you are nothing. If you are a bicyclist or a donkey cart, you're worse than nothing! Oh, I forgot the rickshaw....you are unworthy of living!

Among other things...I am the only female driving around Lahore, or so it seems. There are female traffic police just now on bikes, however I have yet to see them apart from the picture in the paper. While I do not intend to strike a chord in the women's rights movement in Pakistan, I am now the coolest chick at my office! (and I look pretty bad ass in my jeans, red leather coat, red helmet, and sunglasses)

So, I have learned to hold my breath for incredible lengths of time and I dodge the donkey doo near my work, BUT I am on my bike!!!!

One Fine Day

There's probably all sorts of poetic ways to describe heartache and sadness. I don't find those two things very poetic so I won't bother to romanticize anything of that nature. The poetry for me comes with the healing and the warmth of God's love despite the rejection from people.

I find myself completely shocked, perhaps it's my controlling nature which causes me to live in a cloud of disbelief that my life has taken the path it has. Whatever the reason, I switch back and forth from complete depression and utter numbness. Anger has a place-but I don't want to stay there because I have to move on, if not now then eventually and the anger won't let me truly do that.

I am a believer that time heals all wounds-I just wish time would move faster because right now I feel like my life is in slow motion and I am begging to get out. What choice do I have, though, but to live as life has declared? If it was up to me it wouldn't be happening like this, would it, so how I can now think I have any control is just foolish.

I haven't bothered to treat God respectively, to ask for his comfort now seems hypocritical and laughable. I won't deny, though, I pray constantly He will hold my heart gently and provide peace as I am sad and alone.

Current situation aside for a moment; I feel I have led myself to this disastrous end by living in "hope" under the guise of commitment and/or love. My stupidity rings loud and true as I realize I did not heed to the warnings I received so so many times. Trust in your heart is over rated when someone else's' is untrustworthy. How do you control someone else' outlook on life? You can not, you can only offer a brighter picture and hope they will also see it. Too bad for me it didn't work that way. Mostly....my poor daughter.

Punctured tires, hungry tigers

It is almost impossible to know just where to begin. The beginning.......yet where is that. Please forgive if the commentary is a little difficult to follow; I will do my best to be concise.

Amid fears of terrorist activities and party violence, I packed up a bag yesterday morning and headed out to witness what I considered history. Perhaps nothing of any great story would happen, yet how could that be possible. Even if the same ole' same ole' came out of the elections, that in itself would be a story for all of the "free, fair, and safe" talk that had been going on. Hundreds of internationals came to babysit the polls and be sure that the voice of the people of Pakistan was heard. That is, except the women in some parts of the north, and those political affiliates who were boycotting the elections. When the low numbers are mentioned in the international media, I have yet to notice this analysis. Perhaps I've missed it, it's possible.

I didn't know what to expect. I didn't even know where to go quite frankly. At the gas station NO ONE could tell me where a polling venue was. Given most of the workers come in from villages this is no surprise, but at least one of the other customers should have been able to offer assistance. It was looking bleak. Then through a good friend I got a hold of a sr. reporter with the English news channel who invited me to come along with him and his camera man. YES!

Introductions were made, pictures were taken, and I got to witness history. Safe history at that! I was very excited. Early in the day my guide informed me we would be going to one of the top politicians' house where this man and his son were both running to hold their seats in the assemblies. I was very excited. Yet, by the time we got there unofficial results were coming in and it was looking very bad for these two gentlemen. It had been looking badly for their whole party actually. The PML-Q was the ruling party, the President's party. The campaign trail was not littered with issues and promises, rather just simply who's party name was on the poster. The "symbol" used by the party spoke volumes. Choosing not to re-elect the PML-Q members was the citizens way of letting them know they no longer support the President. Too bad, so sad.

Another bit of analysis people in the U.S. won't hear......there were NO "terrorist" activities. There were no bombs (as reported by CNN), there was no random acts of violence by egotistical and/or brainwashed radicals. Rather, the violence which occurred (while still sad) was the usual party to party shootouts/threats, etc. Even the deaths which have been reported (within PK the report is under 20, outside it's being reported as closer to 30) are lower than in previous years. The voter turnout was not the lowest in all of the history of voting, and not even as low as many feared. I researched voter turnout in the U.S......every other voting year it's hardly 40% and the other years it's higher....makes sense. The point here is when it's low turn out in a place like Pakistan the world thinks it's dismal (and it may be), but you can also offer reasons such as past poll rigging, female intimidation, no real competition on lines such as policy, etc. What excuse do we have in the U.S.? The fact is people are people everywhere. Lazy, not persuaded one candidate over another is actually any good, and/or dis-trust in the whole system (Bush 2000 rings a bell). This is just the Federal Elections, who knows what kind of voter payoff, manipulation, intimidation exists throughout the U.S. My point-as with other issues- people should stop being so judgmental and start realizing people are no different despite their oceanfront view.

The big news, and perhaps the bigger story than all of the above-and this is where the U.S. and foreign news should be making note of changes in this country-is that the MMA (code for crazy radical people who support oppression of women and the "taliban") were voted out of their seats and replaced with the party known for being moderate...the PPP (think Benazir Bhutto). While I am not a particular fan of most of the PPP folks, this turn of events is HUGE! People managed to stand up to a group of people who have essentially kept the Northern Areas hostage with the help of the likes of Osama Bin Laden. I am interested to see how this particular win plays out.


I am back at work on Tuesday. It's pretty boring because most places just called today an additional holiday to be on the safe side. Lahorees are enjoying their food, sheesha and 4$ coffee (yes, we have it here too), and basking in their victory of returning to power the PML-N party. My family and I mourn. Not that we are overly impressed by the ruling party, but we do accept things have indeed improved even so slightly these past 5 years (and we can't stand the PML-N). Also-there is a bit of breath holding to see what the new parliament will do.


Too bad about those pictures.

Just the facts ma'am

Today I opened my email to a story from one of the leading English newspapers "dawn news". A suicide bomber has left for Lahore. First.....as if he's the only one!!! Second, (and here I'll simply cut and paste the actual part of the article) And if anyone doubts the reality of the stupidity, I'll include the link...

"They said the man was slim and tall, sported thick beard and wore glasses."
http://www.dawn.com/2008/02/14/top18.htm

I doubt I need to go on. If there's any confusion as to why this made the blog feel free to inquire, but I bet you get it.

The need for a slow down

I shouldn't be, but I am constantly amazed at what an idiot I am. The human side of life really sucks. It sucks because of this spiritual war that is ragging around us constantly. It's all Adam's fault. Alright, Eve played a part, but Adam should have done his job. Okay, we were meant to make up our minds to follow God or not....but the "unfair" advantage to this I am finding is the inability to remove thorns from our lives, despite repetitive attempts (and the fact we are actually able to). I think of when Paul was requesting God to remove the thorn in his side, and he is told he has been given what is needed. Yeah. But I suck at utilizing those.

My focus continually shifts from God to......everything/anything else. It's like spiritual a.d.d......praying, loving, worshiping God......"oh look something shiny!" It's not even that I find anything else more appealing or better for my life, it's just simply....something else. The danger here, is when that something else turns out to be an appropriate letdown the light bulb goes off and I remember "oh, I was actually on my knees". All of the emotions I feel about life can be summed up very easily.......I'm not living IN God, and therefore by attempting (even inadvertently) to find fulfillment in this world continually fails.

My happiness shifts as the realities of the world are in overdrive. Things I can not control control me. I am smothered by thoughts I don't even desire to have, and my stupid mouth is an ocean of death most of the time. (which I believe has been a blog incidentally)

My spiritual life is shallow, which can only be an indication of my spiritual mind. And as I finish my thoughts, I realize I will return to the floor of my room and plead with God what He's heard a million times before......forgive me and help me to think.

Even pillaging gets boring

The black stains on the street are not the oil spots nor tire tracks which belong; rather they are the charcoal
outline of the death of civility. While a majority of people chose not
to act in an animal like way, still others displayed a disappointing
behavior which even then only lasted hours. And yet again, a few
represent the masses for all the world to see and judge.

I learned of the assassination of Bhutto while sitting in Manchester awaiting my flight onward to Islamabad. I
saw the pictures of the violent emotions of people who could only think
to turn on their fellow man in response to a tragic act. Whilst I did
not care for Bhutto's politics, nor her behavior, I would never wish
her dead. I sat in disgust while the news reported how Rawalpindi
is the safest place in Pakistan (not the most dangerous, but DEFINITELY not the safest these days), and how this woman who had disgraced her people
multiple times was now being considered a hero for democracy over and
over again. Mostly, however, I wondered 'what the hell is going on' .
Several phone calls later a plan was put into place, and I was loading
up the car to head back to the airport to meet my connecting flight. As
I entered the double doors for international departures, it was obvious
the long winding que of Pakistanis were not afraid to go home......and neither was I.

The plane was not a-buzz with discussion over any fallen hero, conspiracy
theories, or a feeling of hopelessness. Mainly, these folks were just
hoping (as I) that they wouldn't get stranded in the airport, and they
would reach their homes and families/functions..which ever was taking them
over. Those I heard discussing the situation were more offended at the
local reaction in the streets and were curious what the situation on
the ground was really like, because truth be told no one really trusts
the news except for those you wish wouldn't (like frigtened family members).

Arrival was on time, and as expected. It was hardly noticeable
anything was going on outside the entry gate to the airport, as the
only distinction was a slight increase of military police and a smaller
number of passengers roaming around. All domestic travel had been
stopped, and virtually all public transportation was at a halt. And as
we left, I dug into my bad for my camera.....sadly, it was in the bag
in the drunk (what an idiot!).

For
two hours (almost to the second) we attempted to get to a relatives
house. They live merely 15 min away from the airport, however due to
blocked roads and make-shift bon fires we had to continually turn the car around and attempt a new route. It wasn't
as bad as it had been the day before. No one was pulling anyone out of
their vehicle and torching it....rather, a few ill-willed people would
take a few political banners, perhaps some scrap and
roast marshmallows along side the road while car after car turned around
and went another way. I could see patches of black smoke here, there,
another starting a few yards away. It was more obnoxious than anything
else. I noticed a bunker of about 6/7 army personnel sitting and watching the show as if they are just needing a cold drink and some popcorn. The
theory was to let these guys have at their "fun" so long as people were
not getting hurt. Nice job guys. Never making it into the city
residence, plan B was enacted and we went into Islamabad, where aside
from everything being closed and the streets being empty.....there was
no signal of chaos or trouble in the country.

Then
Sat came. Shops were opening up, even gas stations were slowly making
their way back to pumping fuel and cleaning windshields.
I was amazed at the amount of traffic on the road when there was
virtually no where to go. Families were enjoying the day off in the
park, playing cricket, or simply taking a stroll. Barber shops, grocery
stores, and food vendors were buzzing around Rawalpindi. Several feet from where some guy beat up his neighbor, he now grabs a cup of chai
, a hair cut and heads to work or the park. Most, I imagine, have no
real idea of why they were going crazy the day before.....this is
apparent because morning and protest have seemingly all been forgotten.
The adrenaline rush is over, these same people were probably not even going to vote
in Jan.....or at least probably not for B.B. Much like how
most of those taking part in the L.A. riots several years ago didn't
know anything about the Rodney King decision. The cable and Internet
operators were still working hard, as their was no interruption in
service....we can see where the priorities are in people no matter
where they are from. We all want our MTV andYouTube don't we?

I
head down to Lahore in the morning. Irritated and saddened that
senseless violence caused even greater senseless reactions. I think I'm
even more saddened the people couldn't even commit to more than a few
hours! Not that I'm hoping for more idiotic rebellion and death, it's
just here is another piece of evidence for the prosecution of man that
we are complete selfish morons. Life will resume in full swing within a
day or so I'm convinced. I'm also convinced political violence will
continue. There are many people out there who do not wish for democracy
in Pakistan. It may be tattered democracy, but it's still a spit in the
face of a select few. What I wish for mostly is people will choose to
disobey themurderers and refuse to be stopped, because what has taken
place the last several days is exactly what the "fighters" are hoping
for. They only need to kill a few people and the whole country goes up
in flames, and life is at a stand still. We don't need the "terrorists"
in the world, do we, because we cause more damage to ourselves from
within than those from outside could ever do. And that is the truth for
everywhere.

My life chapter 1

I came across some old pictures from living in PK. These were all taken in 2005, I can't believe I never had these uploaded before now. they are a great photo tour of just a part of my life over in PK. of course, it's just a glimpse.


You'll still run into people herding goats (sometimes ox) through the town. This was a group of children herding their goats down the street that runs outside our neighborhood. They stop to eat the grass and such on the side of the road (the goats, not the children)

I have sooo many pictures of random children. Adults and children alike get excited when they see the "gori" with the camera. I love to take their pictures!!!

This was just funny to me. Donkey carts are still WIDELY used...for selling produce, moving from house to house...even construction (they move rock and stuff from point a to point b).




This is from Liberty Market....one of the most popular places to go shop for traditional "suits". You get them in three pieces (shirt, pants, shawl) and then get them stitched. This place is huge and it's just tiny isle after tiny isle of little shops and hallways with fabric.

This is the tailor we use most. (I've never mastered how to say his name) He's finally figured out how to make my suits, cause I don't like them tight-he's cool, but you have to threaten his life to get your stuff on time...typical Asian.

This is his shop. He's on the bottom, taking care of the customers..while the tailors are up top sewing. He does certain suits....for instance he did my engagement suit. He's a nice man...very cool.




Usama buying....who knows. I can't even remember where we were, but he's freshly shaven and wearing sunglasses so we must have been out and about from early evening. He's probably buying cigarettes judging by the stand he's at.



Although you can buy your produce at the market (I like here), it's a lot cheaper to go into the "market" and buy them from the vendors. You have to pretend to know what costs what what or some will try to rip you off, but most are pretty cool.


Again, you can buy your meat in the market...but we (well, Tehara or Usama cause I'm sure not) can go to the stand and get it that way. The chickens are killed on sight....One reason I'm sure in the hell not going to get the meat!

Pack the film...leave the burqa

There are many reasons I'm looking forward to my upcoming return to Pakistan....but one of the hot items on my list is the fact I'll be there for elections (or lack there of). Either way, it's going to be a big time in the country...and I've got two cameras and a journalists' drive for getting out there. My husband and I have had several conversations about what I "will and will not do". He's more on the "will not" side, while I am on the "will". I've had to remind him....I'm still the white Christian chick who went to PK on my own in 2004.

Well, just like in 2004, I find ways to make jokes about serious situations(like being taken hostage). I don't know why, I really don't think it would be a fun experience, but I don't figure I am in control so why not make the jokes (that, and I'm not truly concerned about it). In the fall of 2004 I was laughing with a friend of mine and said I wanted a shirt that would say "I'm with stupid" with arrows pointing behind me. People who know about those old shirts, and people who have ever seen a hostage video will appreciate that most. Anyway, my friend and I laughed and laughed and I carried the joke into other punchlines and we had many humorous conversations. That's what I know to do usually. Today on the phone I told my husband it has dawned on me that even if they attempt to kidnap me, it won't last, and here's why:

HAVE YOU SEEN THESE GUYS? From the video coverage I've seen in the past, these guys in the background are pretty small....and, well, I'm not.....so there's a good chance they won't try to wrestle this bull!

They'd deliver me with full condolences to my husband: The way I talk....and talk, and talk, and talk....they wouldn't be able to handle it. Even if they didn't turn the Toyota around and drop me off at home...they'd never have enough video for all of my rambling! "We are very sorry for you sir, your mind and ears must ring 24 hours a day, best of luck"

I'm not stupid: I don't intend to climb the mountains and get that exclusive with the dumb asses runnin' those training camps...I'd much rather hang out and smoke hookah at mini golf and get halwa puri at 6am with my family.

Finally, folks.....no need to worry-just expect to see some great pictures and funny stories about goats and sweaters......that's the real stuff anyway.

Black Friday

I have never been one to get into jumping out at 4am to go shopping.....of course, I rarely have the money to purchase anything that I would save hundreds of dollars on......but this year I got really lucky and found myself going shopping...nothing crazy-but I'm excited;

Ezzah's toys-I had been looking for this specific toy for my ma to get Ezzah for her birthday. I had only seen it at Toys R Us and that was fine. I had looked a couple of other places just so she could see it, but had no luck. (TRU is about an hour away from us). Whilst looking through the ads just for the fun of it, I noticed one of the stores in the area had them on Thanksgiving buy one get one free. I should mention, with the first toy, there was a second which was also educational and fun....so I figured...of course! I found myself walking into the store at 7am on Thanksgiving morning to pick up these items. It was no big deal-we are up plenty early anyway....and memaw got to hang out with ezzah

Coat for me-I saw this leather jacket a few weeks ago that I LOVED (and happened to look pretty good in), but even at 60% off I wasn't going to fork over that kind of paper for a jacket.....well....the ads said the day after Christmas such coat would be on sale for 60$-and the store opened at 4am. I don't think I would have gotten up to go get the coat, but I had to be at work at 5 so went ahead and went over. Again not a big deal...and I got a sweet coat!

Stuff for the husband-I noticed several items a couple of weeks ago which I wrote down on my "things not to forget before going to PK" list. Well, these prior mentioned ads had all of these items DRASTICALLY on sale on friday. Since I had to work and my grandad didn't really didn't have much to do, he went over mid-morning and picked up these things(the store was not busy and close to my house). He also picked up a few items for himself :)

So, while I didn't camp out for a really cheap computer or Wii (which would be sooo cool to have), I got the things I wanted and saved quite a bit of money....good deal