Supposed lightweight

If you have the USA network on for even 5 min a day you see the constant advertisment for the show about the chick who was divorced and is moving on with her life. I don't recall the name of it, but it's got Debra Messing as well as a large well-known cast. Seeing these commercials, and being remindng about just about every other broken heart movie....I'm noticing a pattern, and realizing I as usual have a very different take on a particular concept. Healing from a broken heart is a personal matter. People have different scenarios in life which lead to a saddness they never believed htey could feel. Perhaps it's a death in the family, a break up with a partner, or the loss of a child.....most will say they never thought they'd feel that kind of pain-and for a moment or more thought they'd never feel better. Of course, eventually most people do heal. Some take longer than others, but they get there. What's interestng to me is what seems to be the blanket understanding of what "he/she's finally able to move on" means in regards to a breakup/divorce. I wonder why the point at which many will feel someone has healed from such an occurance it's when that person is now dating again. I realize this may not be how people in real life believe and it's a misrepresentation in the name of entertainment....but I lean on the side that this representation is fairly accurate. Why is this? Is it that inherant belief in most people that we all have to be with someone to be happy or normal? Perhaps they are judging life as a whole based on their own lives....and they would not feel whole or healed until they were with another person.

I really started to think about this tonight as I was listening to a fairly new album by a Pakisani band "Fuzon" for the first time. I had been wanting to hear it since I read about it while still abroad, but never got around to it, and online is now the only chance I have. As the first song wound it's way through my mind I REALLY missed Pakistan and my life there. The lead singer has (compared at least to American singers) a very distinct sound, and as he gently delivered word and melody my mind was taken back to listening to their first album with my family and various experiences where such enjoyment was taking place. All in all I do alright with my newly permanent status, honestly more because of the complete change in scenery and nothing here to specifically remind me of anything-but listening to what I find to be a really great album I realize I'm not quite where I thought I was and perhaps I need to take time to get to where I'd like to be. I do know, however, it won't be dating which tells me I've "moved on". I think perhaps being able to fully enjoy one of my many favorite Pakistani bands, or watch one of my many favorite Bollywood DVD's and enjoy it pain-free will tell me I'm set. However, I will ALWAYS await excitedly every week for my weekend conversation with my ex mother in law....I pray to never move on from those.

A role for a pro

I have taken the same steps throughout my lifetime. Granted, it's only been 31 years. I wonder if this is the same for everyone-or do people's lives change so drastically it's as if they've learned a whole knew way to walk.

Don't get me wrong-this is not a pity entry. I'm not whining, it's merely something I've noticed. At first, I thought my life was full of adventure. I liked to think that I was always embarking on something new because I was just that wild and crazy gal desiring and willing to try something....ANYTHING. I have recently realized that I have simply followed in the footsteps left by my parents. This is shocking and a bit disturbing, but I believe good has and will come out of it.

Lately I have seen the one thing I never wanted too badly end in ruins. What is most distracting about this is that it's true that sometimes you don't know how great something is until you've lost it. For me, it was not knowing how great something was until I had it and was quite happy-and then I lost it and am still a bit stunned. I will admit I've lost a bit of who I was in the process. Somewhere over the vast mountains and oceans I have been flying over lays pieces of what made me ambitious, a thinker, a dreamer. I find myself almost mentally lazy now. I have one goal-to take care of my daughter. I do everything in my power to not think of anything else. This includes great amounts of T.V. watching to keep myself distracted by what I am feeling, thinking...and, at times, regretting. I've never believed regret was healthy, I still don't, but it's there and I must avoid it at all costs. Keeping my mind silent keeps me from realizing how much I miss my life, my friends, my family, even some of myself.

These are the steps of my parents...these are the steps I've been taking my whole life without trying. The steps of constant failure. The steps of not holding something together. The steps of being consistently inconsistent. I am amazed as I look back down the path of my life, and now I wonder if I can avoid those prints left before me or if they are my destiny.

It's more than the suits and chinese rice

I have met so many women who have the "typical" mother-in-law relationship with their husband's mother. I have also met many Pakistani women who have their own version of a "typical" mother-in-law relationship with their own. I am sad for them. All of them. I don't know how they manage, but I guess since it seems universal to have some 'typical' relationship I guess it's a universal acceptance. My experience with marriage has turned out to be pretty shotty, but my experience with my mother in law has been (and continues to be) something which almost leaves me speechless.

From the moment I met Tahera Rauf she was the most hospitable and caring person. When she was just "aunty" she looked out for my safety, my diet (made me non-spicy food), and shared a lot of great moments with me. When she became "ammi" she was all of that, and more. Her support, willingness to listen, and the wonderful times of going out and about became as important to me during my stay in Pakistan than anything else. While I would not have chosen to stay in Pakistan long term, the situation demanded and being with her made it much easier. Obviously we don't agree on EVERYTHING, but those times have been few and far between that our disagreements caused any sort of issue, and never have they caused bitterness of any kind.

How this woman has managed to maintain her sanity in the last couple of years with all the garbage going on around her has amazed me. A woman of more determination and strength than I think she is even aware of; she shows me daily that patience is key to handling anything! She has supported me, cared for me, and been there for me more than I have time to explain. While the sadness of losing her as my mother-in-law sets in regularly, I am always reminded that she never really has been my "mother in law", rather, my Pakistani mother-and that can not be changed by someone else.

SAY CHEESE!

Now, I work in the "country", for all you southerners you can understand just what that means. Working in the country lends to some advantages: away from congested traffic, air is not so polluted, and you feel like you can move! That being said, there are some....interesting.....things about working in the country, and here's one of them. I don't mean the bicycle come sunglass hut, rather I'm talking about the random livestock. I don't feel out of place when I notice a cow here or a sheep there because in the country you get all kinds of animals crossing the roads. Where Pakistan is unique in my experiences, however, is the random livestock aren't so random! It is normal everyday life to share a park, the road, even a dip in the canal (for those who swim in it) with everything from sheep to water buffalo.

Yes, I purchased sunglasses from the man on the bicycle. That was the intent of the stop on the way home-the cows just made for a great photo moment!

M.M.M.

On the way to and from work I get my daily dose of co2, among other agents which I'm convinced are NOT on the recommended daily allowances, and I am reminded I am the one who wanted a motorcycle sooo badly. Idiot. It is just a small piece of evidence that thinking what would be such a great thing to have or do is not always as it seems. For the most part, though, I LOVE my bike. Her name is Maggie...the Metro Motorcycle-Metro being the brand name.

My observances on the bike are quite different than those when I was driving a car. Traffic in Lahore is not just bad it's WRETCHED! People have NO concern for anyone other than themselves on the road. While in a car you have a little bit of "too bad for you" to push your weight around-and even then that's dependent on the size of your car (and horn). It's a perfect case study for "survival of the fittest". The bigger vehicle on the road, the more likely you're going to get where you want...and how you want. The smaller vehicle, the more likely someone feels you dare share their road. If you are in a Land Rover..you rule. You can honk and sway about through traffic at remarkable speeds-and who is going to get into your way. If you are a Honda City or a Toyota Corolla you are second to push others around. And so goes the chain.....so, if you're a motorcycle, forget it, you are nothing. If you are a bicyclist or a donkey cart, you're worse than nothing! Oh, I forgot the rickshaw....you are unworthy of living!

Among other things...I am the only female driving around Lahore, or so it seems. There are female traffic police just now on bikes, however I have yet to see them apart from the picture in the paper. While I do not intend to strike a chord in the women's rights movement in Pakistan, I am now the coolest chick at my office! (and I look pretty bad ass in my jeans, red leather coat, red helmet, and sunglasses)

So, I have learned to hold my breath for incredible lengths of time and I dodge the donkey doo near my work, BUT I am on my bike!!!!

One Fine Day

There's probably all sorts of poetic ways to describe heartache and sadness. I don't find those two things very poetic so I won't bother to romanticize anything of that nature. The poetry for me comes with the healing and the warmth of God's love despite the rejection from people.

I find myself completely shocked, perhaps it's my controlling nature which causes me to live in a cloud of disbelief that my life has taken the path it has. Whatever the reason, I switch back and forth from complete depression and utter numbness. Anger has a place-but I don't want to stay there because I have to move on, if not now then eventually and the anger won't let me truly do that.

I am a believer that time heals all wounds-I just wish time would move faster because right now I feel like my life is in slow motion and I am begging to get out. What choice do I have, though, but to live as life has declared? If it was up to me it wouldn't be happening like this, would it, so how I can now think I have any control is just foolish.

I haven't bothered to treat God respectively, to ask for his comfort now seems hypocritical and laughable. I won't deny, though, I pray constantly He will hold my heart gently and provide peace as I am sad and alone.

Current situation aside for a moment; I feel I have led myself to this disastrous end by living in "hope" under the guise of commitment and/or love. My stupidity rings loud and true as I realize I did not heed to the warnings I received so so many times. Trust in your heart is over rated when someone else's' is untrustworthy. How do you control someone else' outlook on life? You can not, you can only offer a brighter picture and hope they will also see it. Too bad for me it didn't work that way. Mostly....my poor daughter.

Punctured tires, hungry tigers

It is almost impossible to know just where to begin. The beginning.......yet where is that. Please forgive if the commentary is a little difficult to follow; I will do my best to be concise.

Amid fears of terrorist activities and party violence, I packed up a bag yesterday morning and headed out to witness what I considered history. Perhaps nothing of any great story would happen, yet how could that be possible. Even if the same ole' same ole' came out of the elections, that in itself would be a story for all of the "free, fair, and safe" talk that had been going on. Hundreds of internationals came to babysit the polls and be sure that the voice of the people of Pakistan was heard. That is, except the women in some parts of the north, and those political affiliates who were boycotting the elections. When the low numbers are mentioned in the international media, I have yet to notice this analysis. Perhaps I've missed it, it's possible.

I didn't know what to expect. I didn't even know where to go quite frankly. At the gas station NO ONE could tell me where a polling venue was. Given most of the workers come in from villages this is no surprise, but at least one of the other customers should have been able to offer assistance. It was looking bleak. Then through a good friend I got a hold of a sr. reporter with the English news channel who invited me to come along with him and his camera man. YES!

Introductions were made, pictures were taken, and I got to witness history. Safe history at that! I was very excited. Early in the day my guide informed me we would be going to one of the top politicians' house where this man and his son were both running to hold their seats in the assemblies. I was very excited. Yet, by the time we got there unofficial results were coming in and it was looking very bad for these two gentlemen. It had been looking badly for their whole party actually. The PML-Q was the ruling party, the President's party. The campaign trail was not littered with issues and promises, rather just simply who's party name was on the poster. The "symbol" used by the party spoke volumes. Choosing not to re-elect the PML-Q members was the citizens way of letting them know they no longer support the President. Too bad, so sad.

Another bit of analysis people in the U.S. won't hear......there were NO "terrorist" activities. There were no bombs (as reported by CNN), there was no random acts of violence by egotistical and/or brainwashed radicals. Rather, the violence which occurred (while still sad) was the usual party to party shootouts/threats, etc. Even the deaths which have been reported (within PK the report is under 20, outside it's being reported as closer to 30) are lower than in previous years. The voter turnout was not the lowest in all of the history of voting, and not even as low as many feared. I researched voter turnout in the U.S......every other voting year it's hardly 40% and the other years it's higher....makes sense. The point here is when it's low turn out in a place like Pakistan the world thinks it's dismal (and it may be), but you can also offer reasons such as past poll rigging, female intimidation, no real competition on lines such as policy, etc. What excuse do we have in the U.S.? The fact is people are people everywhere. Lazy, not persuaded one candidate over another is actually any good, and/or dis-trust in the whole system (Bush 2000 rings a bell). This is just the Federal Elections, who knows what kind of voter payoff, manipulation, intimidation exists throughout the U.S. My point-as with other issues- people should stop being so judgmental and start realizing people are no different despite their oceanfront view.

The big news, and perhaps the bigger story than all of the above-and this is where the U.S. and foreign news should be making note of changes in this country-is that the MMA (code for crazy radical people who support oppression of women and the "taliban") were voted out of their seats and replaced with the party known for being moderate...the PPP (think Benazir Bhutto). While I am not a particular fan of most of the PPP folks, this turn of events is HUGE! People managed to stand up to a group of people who have essentially kept the Northern Areas hostage with the help of the likes of Osama Bin Laden. I am interested to see how this particular win plays out.


I am back at work on Tuesday. It's pretty boring because most places just called today an additional holiday to be on the safe side. Lahorees are enjoying their food, sheesha and 4$ coffee (yes, we have it here too), and basking in their victory of returning to power the PML-N party. My family and I mourn. Not that we are overly impressed by the ruling party, but we do accept things have indeed improved even so slightly these past 5 years (and we can't stand the PML-N). Also-there is a bit of breath holding to see what the new parliament will do.


Too bad about those pictures.